Greetings and Salutations!
It's been a little while since I've written and that is for many reasons. I've been slightly busy, had too many emotions to write sensibly, and also been waiting for an updated picture of my belly. Not a ton of that has changed, but rather than waiting till life slows down, till I get un-emotional or waiting for a picture, I'll just start doing what I do best. Blabbing!
As far as lil' lewicki baby news: we're pushing 3 lbs, 17 inches. which is absolutely crazy to me. Sometimes I just look down and although I cant believe how big I am, I cant see how this lil monster can squeeze in there! I'm still getting dirty looks from my OB about my weight gain. I think i've gained around 25 lbs. Last time was the most weight gain yet, but I was very clear before she started talking that I didn't care, that I was walking some and had no intentions of eating less. I escaped chastisement. My legs hurt SO bad, but other than that, I feel that its been a pretty easy pregnancy so far. Joel laughs at me often, sympathetic laughs I'm sure, at how much I wiggle around thinking that another position will help me get comfy. It usually doesn't.
I hate clothes. I wish I could just wear yoga pants everywhere. I have a pretty long torso and it makes me spend hours in my closet without ever being content with what I have on. Even maternity shirts hit just below the belly button. I'm carrying this baby pretty low, so according to "stacey and clinton" my belly button is not where i want a horizontal line to be hitting me. I have pretty short legs and wont wear heels anymore so everything is too long on the bottom, and if i pull the pants up high enought to stay put, my "crotch gets crabby" . If i get a smaller size so I dont have to pull them up, than they squeeze the life out of my thighs. Thank you softball. other than those very shallow and selfish difficulties, I have little complaints. Every time I feel, and sometimes see the baby kicking, it makes every bit of style and comfort issue vanish.
Last week was a pretty hard week. They always say, "when it rains, it pours" and there is so much truth in that statement. Sunday started by learning about friends of our who have been trying to have a baby/adopt a baby for about 6 years. to make a very long story short, after showers, and excitement, and even holding this few day old little girl, the parents changed their mind. I was pretty frustrated with God. I felt like a puppet whom he chooses who gets saddness and who gets happiness and in my thinking, it was all because He was glory hungry. That upset me. Then came another heart wrenching story. On monday some college friends of Joel and I went in for their 39 week apt. She was ready to pop, and i've been chatting with her quite a bit on facebook and have kept up with her very regulary weekly pictures. On monday the dr couldn't find a heart beat. They lost their little girl. This turned my frustration into non sugar coated anger. I was having trouble remembering why I have followed this God and been content with Sunday school answers for so many years. To make a long story short, the week followed with two more stories of women going in for later term apts, and dr's finding no heart beats. the week ended with my friend not being able to come to my baby shower because her cousin lost her 10 day old baby. I kinda felt like although nothing had been happening directly to me or my baby, I was just part of a horrible film. I was mad and ok with being mad. That is, untill I read the book of Job.
The bible says it much clearer than I ever will be able to, so read it yourself, but this was my take away, and why I still love Jesus. God gets pretty lippy with Job. He's blunt, sarcastic and real. He looks at a TON of stuff and points it all out to Job, who has reason to complain, and says..."did you make any of this stuff? do you know how it works together? are you capable of running everyones lives? Do you know whats best for them, or best for yourself? Do you have some God like qualities that I dont know about? And that pretty much stopped me dead in my tracks.
It still doesn't make sense to me why people suffer, and why last week happened the way it did. It doesn't make sense to me that I have a healthy baby growing in me today, and might not tomorrow. It doesn't make sense to me why I dont die everytime I'm driving, or why I came out of a 2 week a coma and can now remember most everything. I dont have explaination for why that was a better out come than anything else that could have happened.
But I know this:
- My emotions are real and ok. Jesus didn't like suffering when He was here either. But he was willing to do it, to further the kingdom.
- I cannot say that I am willing to do anything for Him, or to show His glory, but then run away mad and scared when He gives me opportunity. Elizabeth Elliot didn't do it...I shouldn't either
- My acceptance of His blessings needs to equal my acceptance of everthing else. This one is much easier said than done, but I need a reminder how human I am, and trust that just because i dont understand, doesn't mean, he deserves any less glory.
So thats a lot of words, and a lot of thoughts. Sorry. But Keep praying for my friends and aquaintances. Keep praying for baby Lewicki. And go read Job and remember just how fragile your babies life is, and how fragile your teens life is, and your life...and go do something with it.
love you all.
