http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/99Zi8bYSTS-qY7Uyk6zQjQ?feat=directlink
I've been boycotting my blog for a while now. I really felt my last entry couldn't be topped (which by the way was an opinion I alone shared after no one commented on its humor!), but Benjamin here in his highchair deserved an entry. He "learned" how to sneeze this weekend with nana, and it was much more intense, and hysterical with my mom, but this was pretty great too. He's 11 months today and couldn't be more fun!

THE BREAK-UP

My love handles and I are having a huge fight.  I brought up the idea the other day of us parting ways.  They didn't take it well.  To be honest, I dont like the reality of being apart anymore than they do, but I think I'd be happier, overall, if we took a break.  Our relationship has pretty deep roots and I think thats what is making this so difficult.   It was a very love/hate relationship in high school.  On/Off/On/Off, you know how high school is... 


Things got really serious in college.  I dont know what it was, but we connected, like nothing I had ever experienced before and it was bliss...Well, thats what I thought...untill we had a huge fight and suddenly broke up one day. I didn't see it coming at all, but actually after the initial shock, I didn't even miss them. Some time passed, and I began looking at pictures of when we were together.  You know? I dont look as happy as I thought I was.   Its funny how we only see what we want sometimes.  

We both got involved in other things and with other people.   I was doing really well, and then they heard I got pregnant.  They got back in touch with me, and we actually started to have fun again.  To be honest, I liked having them there for support, although I was in denial about the whole relationship.   We got so close they just became a part of me, and I guess they thought they needed to be there to comfort me or something.  They kept hanging around more and more and I just got used to them being there for me.

We spent about 19 months together and it had a lot of ups and a few downs,  but the past month have been rough.  They aren't providing me the comfort and support they were once so good at giving.  Its more like they're just hanging on me, weighing me down, and keeping me from things I really want to do in life.  So I finally am getting the courage to let them know that we're done, at least for now.  Its just not the right timing.  And I'm not going to just tip toe around hoping that they get the hint and leave on their own.  I'm making a clean break.  I'm not even going places that remind me of them; like in front of the coffee press where we met every morning and share our favorite creamer, or around ice cream bucket where we would sneek around at night and have a good time. 

Yes sir'ee, tomorrow is a new day!  ...I think i'll break the news right after one last night by the freezer...ya know, on second thoughts, spring break is coming up and we have some pretty fun plans.  I guess I'll see how next week goes and then call it quits after one last week together...

oh bla dee

I realized today that I need to charge the batteries for the camera because it has been far too long since I have posted pictures...He's 10 months, cuter than ever, and it needs to be recorded.

But until tomorrow when I attempt to get the camera going and a glamor shots session running, I will just tell see if I can think of anything new in Mr. Benjamin's life.  Oh! where to begin!

Benjamin was weighed last weekend at 24 lbs 12 oz ( with his clothes on .)  He has had a runny nose and slight cough for two weeks, and although we have no fever, and only clear snot, I got paranoid and took him to the doctor.  It wasn't a great experience and I don't have a lot of confidence in the results, but without ever looking in Benjamin's ears, we were diagnosed with ear infection and the beginning or end of a minor type of bronchitis.  All this from listening to Benjamin's chest and seeing him grab his ear once.  However, we're going ahead with the round of Amoxicillin  and hoping that it dominates whatever bug our little man has. 

He just got his 7th tooth, and I can see #8 under his gums.  He is jabbering like crazy, but no audible words.  Our new game is to hum tunes back and forth to each other.  He is SUPER ticklish and loves being scared....except when he's actually scared :)  On the down side, after months of feeling like a master of his sleep cycle, I have been humbled and almost beaten.  I say almost, because Benjamin is still super happy, so until I have a sleep deprived, crabby little boy on my hands, I have not lost!  After learning to stand, I filled his crib with animals and books to get him to lay down and fall asleep.  It worked for a week, and now he sits and reads...today it was for an hour.  Sometimes he cries, but most the time, he just plays.  I'm not sure what to do about it yet...I might try eliminating morning nap, but that makes me sad to think about!

Benjamin has been super cuddly lately which I LOVE.  He's eating great, and loves meat!  He's getting so very fast and moves all over.  Slamming cupboards is a favorite game, and he wishes he could "help" me in the dishwasher.  Last week was a rough week, with an accident on (and then off) the bed, a chair, the carpet, and a swallowed dime.  It made me so tired just keeping an extra eye on him ALWAYS!  

Spring is almost here, and Mom can't wait to get out and go a walks, and not wear coats, and get our flip flops on! (Yes, Benjamin has a pair waiting to be worn). Wishing you a happy March!

Working on being a WIFE

Well, lately I have been thinking a lot about what I want my life to look like; more importantly what God wants my life to look like.  Many un-married friends and college students will ask me, "what am I supposed to look for in a husband?"  For many years I was quick to answer and then proceed with a pat on by back, but lately I've been saying, "time out, are you sure you have the qualities needed to get married?" which is then followed by the internal question of, am i 'marry-able'?'"  Well, not really because there is a ring on my finger, but 5 years into the game, am I who he would look for, and who he's excited to stay with?  That got me looking at who God says I should be.  He seems have some pretty good ideas...

• Gen 2:20 - ...to be someone to help in the tasks that God has asked of my husband
• Gen 2:24 - ...to be someone who is willing to abandon singleness and form a new unified being (2 becoming 1)
• Gen 7:7 - ...to be someone willing to get on the boat, not buying into theories of others but having faith in my husbands decisions. (Noah's wife)
• Proverbs 31:10 - ...to be trusted as someone who will add to the financial stability of the home (hard working, good budgeter, thrifty or however its needed in our specific situation)
• Proverbs 31:13-15 - ...to not be lazy.  whether its working hard outside or inside the home
• Proverbs 31:16 ...to be engaged in decision making and able to be trusted in those decisions
• Proverbs 31:17...to not be a baby
• Proverbs 31:18...to make the household a priority
• Proverbs 31:20...to have compassion for others
• Proverbs 31:26...to be someone who is respectable when i talk, because of wisdom and kindness
• Proverbs 31:30...to be someone who may have charm and beauty (obviously, haha :), but the most noticeable characteristic being how I fear the Lord
• 1 Thess 3 - ...to be someone who Abounds in Love for others
• Timothy 2:9...to be modest and humble (forget the charm and beauty mentioned above :)
• Timothy 2:11 &12...to be someone who is not seeking the final authority over my husband
• Titus 2:3 - to be REVERENT, HONORABLE, DIGNIFIED, SENSIBLE, SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY, NOT SLANDEROUS, NOT A DRUNKARD, A TEACHER OF THAT WHICH PLEASES GOD, LOVE MY HUSBAND, LOVE CHILDREN, PURE, A HOMEMAKER, GOOD, AND OBEDIENT
• James 4:11&12 -... to not be one who judges those around me
• James 5:20 - ...to have good accountability partners in my life who are keeping me in check...Family, Friends, Women in the Church
• 1 Peter 3:3-4 - ...to be someone who spends more time perfecting the inside than the outside, and one who speaks with my actions more than with words.
• 2nd Corinthians 1:12 - ...to be someone who conducts themselves simply and in godly sincerity

Just some other thoughts...

• to be quick to forgive
• to be interesting (if we're spending all of earthy life together, it stinks to have a partner who bores you)
• to be respectable (already said with some verses, but worth saying again)  I want to have words that are respectable, decisions, actions and the way that I carry out those actions to all be respected
• to be lovable - whether its being fun, sweet, intellectual, funny, cuddly, ect: our "love languages" have to work with each other.  It should be pretty natural (after all, you do get to pick your partner) but at times when its not, i should be willing to work at it.
• someone who makes you proud
• someone who lifts you up more than they tear you down
• to be respected by my (and your) friends
• someone who is filled and finds confidence in Christ.  Otherwise I am constantly draining the other person
• someone who shares future goals ( and will be trusting of the other to follow where they lead when plans change)
• someone you would go to for advice
• someone you want to raise your kids

After looking at all these characteristics...I'm spending a lot of time in Prayer!  I hope if anyone reads all of this your challenged to work at your weakness and encouraged that He'll give you strength to do it!

The end of Maryville MO

^{1 John 4: 13-15}

"And how bold and free we then become in his presence, freely asking according to his will, sure that he's listening. "

We're home!  Although the first two days of the trip I was highly doubting why I was along, and didn't just go to my parents for the weekend, I am so glad I went along to Maryville MO.  I am also so glad to be home.  

I asked God to be very active  in my heart during our weekend away, and give me a renewed passion for college students, for ministry, and even for Navigators.  Although I have to process the fullness of the weekend, saying that God was active is an understatement!  My biggest take aways are not specific things that were key points of any session, or even purposely taught, but I think a lot of God's lessons come from a teacher who is praying that God will use them, and a student who's heart is being called to action long before the lesson is taught.  Here's some of what he's trying to teach me:

• He started whispering to me long before the weekend began.  After the first night, continuing on through out the conference, God made it very clear how badly he wanted me to be in conversation with him, through prayer.  He humbled me, and then   in spite of my failure to obey him and take advantage of this powerful spiritual weapon in the past, he invited me ever so gently (and loudly) to start now.  
• What I am lacking to find in our ministry and our life, is not because Nav's has failed to provide it, but because I am lazy in accomplishing it.  
• Pride is the root of almost ALL my sins.  I choose my pride over His holiness. PRIDE=contending for supremacy with God.(Jerry Bridges)

                                                  

• My lack of mirroring Jesus in my life is ONLY because I choose otherwise.  God isn't sitting deciding not to make me holy, I daily decide that other things look more desirable, and turn from Him to do them.  This reality makes me sick.

This is far from a complete list of what is going on inside my head, and heart, and notebook.  But it's about all that I can swallow right now.  Now the question is the same as after every conference/retreat: What to do now...? A helpful analogy of how to handle all that I am wanting to be handled, I actually missed while checking on Benjamin, but Joel shared with me later.  The VERY short of it, points to a busy speed boat making the bay crazy with its noise and waves, and then leaving.  But there is calm quiet water with nothing to show for the activities of the boat.  Compare that with a farmer whom no one notices, but over a long period of time quietly and with hard work, harvests a good crop, that feeds the village and nourishes people and creates more farmers with more harvests and more nourishment.  I don't want to be a speed boat, raising a ruckus with nothing to show for all noise.