Here are some notes that I took from the first few chapters of a book that I'm currently reading. I am just now approaching the stage where Benjamin is looking at me with eyes that ask, "Are you going to let me do this?" I thought these were some very helpful pieces of advice for Joel and I as we begin to adopt a discipline plan for our curious little boy. Although every parent and every child differ in what specifically works for them, I have been very excited by the encouragement and direction from the book. I know I have talked to a couple friends who were interested in the book, so I thought I would post some "golden nuggets" that I've found, and wet your appetite to dive in yourself! Happy parenting!
Dare to Discipline by Dr James Dobson
- Extremes are obviously harmful
- GOAL healthy happy respectful children
5 Underpinnings to Common Sense child rearing:
1) Developing Respect for parents is the critical factor in child management
a) It is imperative that a child learns to respect his parents, not to satisfy egos, but because his relationship with them provides the basis for his later attitude toward all other people.
b) If you want your child to accept your values when he reaches his teens, then you must be worthy of his respect during younger days.
c) GOAL: acquainting children with Gods unfathomable love and his justice
d) KEY: interpretation of a given behavior
a. Deciding whether an undesirable act is a direct challenge to leadership
b. Spanking advice – 18months – 10 years ONLY for authority challenge
c. Disciplinary action is not an assult on parental love, it is a function of it
d. Punishment should not be done to…but done for…
e. When parents lose these early confrontations the later conflict becomes hard to win
f. A child’s resistant behavior always contains a message to his parent which must be de-coded before responding
2) The best opportunity to communicate often occurs after a disciplinary even
a) Loving conclusion to a disciplinary encounter
3) Control without nagging
a) Using action to achieve the desired behavior
b) Pro timers/buzzers
c) *MINOR* pain consequences
a. Much more willing to cooperate if it were to their personal advantage
4) Don’t saturate the child with materialism
a) become no longer thankful
b) becomes less exciting
a. pleasure occurs when an intense need is satisfied
i. no need/no pleasure
b. “don’t kill the little birds by feeding them too much”
5) Establish a balance between love and discipline
a) the closest we can get to a successful formula for parenting is that balance
SUMMARY:
- when you are defiantly challenged, win decisively
- treat them with respect and dignity and expect the same from them
TWO MESSAGES TO CONVEY TO PRESCHOOLERS
1) I love you more than you could understand. You are precious to us and I thank God that he let me be your parent
2) Because I love you so much I must teach you to obey. That is the only way I can take care of you and protect you from things that might hurt you (Eph 6:1)
- There is security in defined limits
LAW OF REINFORCEMENT / BEHAVIORISM
- Behavior which achieves desirable consequences will recur
*Principals to cause the law of reinforcement to reach its full potential*
1) Rewards must be granted quickly
a) chart list of responsibilities
b) rewards (2 pennies) for positives on the chart
c) pennies result in obedience and money management
d) new lists often keep child engaged
2) Rewards need not be material in nature
a) candy
b) compliments
3) Almost any behavior that is learned through reinforcement can be eliminated if the reward is withheld long enough
4) Parents and teachers are also vulnerable to reinforcement
- be aware and in control
5) Parents often reinforce undesirable behaviors and weaken behaviors they value
* no should mean absolutely not, not maybe
* manipulation vs leadership…manipulation = sinister and selfish motives
