Denial

Today I had my doctor appointment with the Specialist I was referred to...The Maternal Fetal Medicine office.  This weekend, I got curious about the title of the practice I would be going to so I researched Maternal Fetal Medicine, and my research just showed this...High. Risk. Pregnancy.  This may not come as news to anyone else - that my pregnancy be considered high risk - but it was absurd to me.  And then I gave myself more in-valid reasons to believe that it was embarrassing how much fuss was being made over something that would probably resolve itself.  I wished harder and harder that my apt come sooner and sooner to get me back to "normal pregnancy life" soon.

My friend once compared her high risk pregnancy to war vets, or anyone wounded on a job site. Those individuals often go crazy.  Confused about their role in life, longing for the value and satisfaction they once had, but unable to carry out the job requirements.  Thats a little bit of couch arrest feelings.  I want to do my job again.  I don't want to tell others how to do it.  I don't want to be content with it not being done.  I want the satisfaction of doing it myself.  But that sense of accomplishment isn't coming this week...or next...at least not in the same way!

 "Baby Hercules" is doing amazing.  measuring big (10 or 11 oz), ALWAYS moving, and quite the model for the camera.  He always gives us the shots we need, and looks adorable while doing so.  His nose is seriously award winning.

After the Nurse? (I'm not sure what her title was) checked ALL measurements and looked for the bleed area I was quite confident we were walking out with a clean bill of health.  Nothing seemed alarming to her(to my knowledge), and soon she left the room to grab the Doctor.

The following conversation is a blur, but the summary is this:
I have an area of blood between the baby's sac and the Placenta.  This isn't great.  The area is being called a wound and the cause is unknown...maybe pressure it received from the outside, the baby punching and kicking on the inside, or another unknowns.  The good news is that it isn't "swirling" or active blood.  The bad news is that if it gets irritated before it heals, it could essentially cause preterm labor.  (by causing separation of my placenta or by causing irritation which can lead to contractions and start labor).

Her main points of conversation were the importance to get past 28 weeks pregnancy to give this little man the best shot.  That idea was partnered with a watch and wait plan.  Because I have done little the past 4 days and the visible bleeding has stopped, she wants me to fall just short of bed rest for the next two weeks.  The idea is No activity with the goal of not irritating the wound, and not encouraging my body to contract.  In 2ish weeks we will go into my regular OB and have an ultrasound.  If I have not bled or contracted in the next two weeks, and the US shows the wound is healing, we can talk about increasing my activity.  However the truer check up will be in 6 weeks, back with the specialist, when she can analyze the wound area, and suggest a strategy.

28 weeks is 9+ weeks away, and I cannot grasp a stationary life for that long, however with hearing stats and realities of this pregnancy, I WILL sit for 2 weeks and if need be, I can for 4 more until my 6 week check up, and then I'm sure 3 more will seem like a piece of cake.  :)

I am thankful for so many blessings right now... a healthy baby, a husband who cares, a lot.  Benjamin who stops me from doing anything and reminds me of the rules :)  Violet who will assure that I do not get bored on the couch or ever stop laughing and the family, friends and church family that I cannot thank enough.

This is not the script of life I would have written for myself, but usually the most complex story lines have the best and most unexpected and thrilling endings.  I might not win an Emmy but I'm thinking I could be a nominee ;)

Nana, Violet, Benjamin, and Baby BOY!

Christmas came about 7 weeks early, and we filled 4 days with as much Nana as our love tank could handle.  She got to come to a Fall Party with us on the 31st, hear our big gender announcement to Benjamin and Violet, and Cuddle, Clean and Cuddle some more on Saturday Sunday and Monday.  Here are some highlights from the weekend!

Mid laundry photo op.  *photo credits to B Lewicki

*photo credits - B Lewicki

happy nana
*photo credit V Lewicki

*photo credit V? Lewicki

Finding out about their little BROTHER

Benjamin reacted much stronger than Violet!

I think he asked, "Are you for real?"

*photo credit B Lewicki - non edited :)

Hello, Goodbye, Hurry up & wait

I should really break up this post into a couple different posts, due to the wide spectrum of events floating through my head, but alas...If I didn't ramble, it wouldn't be true to character. :)

I woke up this morning with the excitement of an early baby appointment...and also to a VERY stuffed up Violet.  What was meant to be a family field trip to the doctors office became a solitary apt for Momma.  Daddy stayed home with sniffles (one from a child with a cold, the other from tears of despair from her brother when he found out he couldn't come hear the heart beat). Joel has been to all my appointments which are usually due to an emergency type situation, but this was just a routine heart check and a hope to answer activity/travel clarification questions.

To be honest, I was pretty shaken up at the beginning of the apt.  I walked in with great spirits, independent attitude and assurance of a healthy baby (many baby kicks!) But the doctors first 2 statements were, 

"Hi, how are you today?" [good] 

"No pregnancy concerns or complications? [...]

I believe my medical caretakers are competent, but their success of communicating confidence to me, that they understand my pregnancy and KNOW whats best wasn't high before and plummeted even lower at that moment.

I shared with her that i was kind of concerned about bleeding I had been having the last few days(that was different than the 8 previous weeks), and that I called and it should be on my chart...We talked further and she asked me to stay for an impromptu Ultrasound.  I somewhat expected it, and double checked the time (for my "sitter"/Joel's class schedule) and we walked to the ultrasound techs room.  

My baby was a beautiful model as usual:

are they not the most beautiful legs you've ever seen?!

The long and short of it is again a PERFECTLY healthy baby.  In fact, peanut is measuring in the 97th percentile and was so fun to watch!  However, there was a quite large seemingly new area of fluid/blood.  I mentioned something about how this babe seemed completely oblivious to the mayhem happening around him in its lifetime...vanishing twin, sub amniotic bleed, and now what appeared to be a sub chorionic bleed. The UTech(not our favorite - Lori) heard me say Vanishing twin, and jumped on it.  It was her theory as to why this new area was bleeding.  However, I think that is malarky.  I guess its possible that my body is reacting to disturbances it had before, but it seems quite obvious to me that my body is NOT just now passing red blood from the loss of that embryo 7 or 8 weeks ago.  

When I went back to visit with the OB, these were her thoughts:  It is possible that this is a shift in my past bleeds (things get bigger and move around when the baby/uterus grow) but because of its size and location it seems like a very new area.  The placenta is fully intact and functioning quite well  so it is not an urgent or critical situation.  Happy Sigh.  

But...before I party too hard, its a slightly mysterious area.  How did it get there, why is it so big and we haven't seen it before...And that is why I'm being referred to a specialist.  The OB of the day wants other eyes to take a peek at it.  (and after I shared my very ill feelings toward my early visit with her, I should share that she called me from her car this afternoon to chat with me about my appointment.  I decided to forgive her for not reading my chart better.  :)  

So my current status is on the couch.  No lifting, not much activity other than walking, and over all, no exertion.  Knowing that my baby is healthy makes all of this easier to handle other than my "no travel" instructions.  This is difficult because my second grandparent passed away today, and I would be flying out tomorrow to be with family if I had permission.  But alas, my marching orders will be this way until at least Wednesday when i can get into the specialist.  Its quite sad timing.

So that is a "summary" of my sad Goodbye of the day that I don't get to go home for, my not so patient feelings of waiting until Wednesday to see the specialist, and my fun HELLO LEGS photo :)

Despite all the whining on here, Im really in great spirits.  God has been faithful, and not just in the life of my babe.  I see his Grace in the patience of my kids, a husband whom is running on empty and is getting little to no help from his wife (and yet we still LIKE each other!), great friends and lots of texts and well wishes :)  Hoping for no baby news until Wednesday!

Shout out to Baylee, Real cameras, and Picasa :)

So when I got an iPhone, I (like the rest of the world) stopped taking pictures with my camera...and then when I did use my camera, I had no program on my computer to know how to do anything, or place them anywhere.  Well, today is the day.  I had our camera at the beach, and tonight I did a "brave" thing and downloaded Picasa and herein lie the results.  Happy happy images of Benjamin and Violet along with my new friend Baylee and I. (she is such a gift in friendship and extra hands grocery shopping, doing puzzles, and carrying bags to the beach!...not to mention Benjamin's current favorite frisbee partner)

This post is two fold to share some fun photos and dolphin movies and ask that you pray for my little bean.  

1st) how cute are my children in sand? and how amazing is God for creating these dolphins?  I didn't get film of the one I saw leap out of the water...but today we saw countless dolphins and it was amazing each and every time.  so beautiful.  so cinematic.  I loved it!

2nd) The last week I have just been LIGHLY spotting (YAY!), but the last 4 days, most the day I don't bleed but about once a day, I have a bright "spotting" or "surge".  Todays was larger than the previous days so I gave the OB a call.  Option one was to go into the ER.  I let her know that I have been feeling kicks once a day, and unless she thought it vital I was not interested in EVER having an ER ultrasound again.  (Refer back to my 12 week ER experience...)  She completely understood and said that I should sit until my 8:00 am apt tomorrow, and absolutely no lifting and lots of water.(insert guilty break to fill up water ... that earlier got spilled twice by little people).  So here I sit, at ease because I continue to feel kicks, but following directions until further notice!  

Meanwhile, enjoy Benjamin, Violet and some sub-par photos/movies of some dolphins!