18 months

My baby will be 1 1/2 on Thursday.  oh my goodness.  There is so much I could say about him, but I will try to refrain from being "that mom".  Seriously, he's so super great though.  I'll start with a couple negatives, so you know I do acknowledge his faults...and then move on to the positives that make me feel so lucky!

Although it has DRASTICALLY improved since last week, Benjamin whipped out a reoccurring temper.  I was trying to analyze it, understand it, and come up with a combat plan, but it seems as though it might be on its way out with out understanding it completely or a real plan.  It happens quite randomly...if his blocks don't line up, if I take something away, if I go sit in the living room when he wanted me to plan in the kitchen...ect.  I am convinced that it is partly due to the fact that he talks CONSTANTLY, but very little of it is understood. It seems as though he's upset because he feels he communicated something, and we aren't on board.  The other more simple and possibly more frequent rationale is that he just wanted his way, and didn't get it.  On day #3 of this fun little habit, Joel and I were talking and felt he was watching too much t.v.  It gets left on sometimes without anyone really watching it, but we made a decision be more selective about when, and how long it was on.   I have no idea if that is related in any fashion, but the next day, there was a noticeable difference in his attitude.  Also, I'm trying to be very intentional about not having these outburst end in him achieving his goal...whatever that is.  Even if its not a bad goal, yelling can't be the route to get there!

This isn't really negative and hardly worth mentioning, but Benjamin has a little habit, about 50% of the time, of crying 5 or 10 minutes after we lay him down for bed, and I have a little habit of getting him rather quickly. We rock, usually in the living room, for 5 or 10 minutes, and when I put him back down, he goes right to sleep 95% of the time.  Joel thinks its related to him just not having as long to "mentally prepare" for bed some nights....Like he didn't see it coming.  That might be the case, but I also think its just if he doesn't fall asleep right away, he knows I'm a sucker and will come, and he gets more cuddle time.  He's a pretty great cuddler, so i'm not arguing!

Benjamin is so much BOY and loves to be wild...especially with Daddy.  He loves building with his blocks, and loves knocking them down even more.  He has started singing a lot, and has the best eye brows during his stories.  I have to figure out a way to keep the zipper from being accessible on his footie pajamas because he loves unzipping them.  He's still a pretty great eater, with the exception of vegetables, and when he stops eating before he should, I just hand him the fork, and he is tricked into eating the rest.  He loves going outside, and gets very sad if I put his shoes on, and then ask him to wait very long before opening the door.  He still loves books, reading to himself, and being read to.  He loves identifying objects...either asking "wsat" or having me name an object and waiting for him to point at it.

We have some more words.  YAY!

• bebe (baby)- this is by far his cutest word.  He loves his baby (borrowed from Aunt Tara) and putting her in the infant carrier, or swing, hugging her, kissing her, or wrapping her in blankets.  
• GO - I can't remember if I listed this last time...but he says it in reference to the show, "the Cat in the Hat knows a lot about that". (the theme song)  Sometimes he also says it about the Dr. Seuss book, "Go Dog Go"
• at (hat) - sometimes about the cat in the hat, and sometimes about his own hat
• eye - I don't remember if I listed this either, but he LOVEs identifying eyes...his eyes, my eyes, baby eyes...it doesn't matter whos!
• HI! - it doesn't matter if I'm walking into the nursery in the morning, opening up the door from being gone at work, or just walking in the room after a few minutes.  There is now a exuberant "HI!" that welcomes me

Well, I feel very fortunate for how simple Benjamin is currently making parenthood.  I know I might not say that forever, but its such a fun stage, with so much excitement and discovery!  Now, if only we could keep the cold germs away all winter, life would be easy breezy!  Thanks for a great yr and a half mr. Benjamin.  

35 weeks

Well D-day is fast approaching.  I feel really weird about it.  I'm super excited to meet my baby.  I'm excited to see Joel with a girl.  I can't wait to find out how Benjamin reacts to sharing Mom and Dad.  (or maybe I can...)  

But, other than washing some clothes, I feel totally unprepared.  I haven't figured out an exact plan of what Mr. Benjamin will do while we're in the hospital. (I don't like to think about it...)  I don't know my plans for 2 weeks after my Due Date, when Joel leaves for Colorado (5 days).  I haven't even thought about a birth plan. (other than getting her out)  I didn't make a decision about diapers...cloth/disposable...but will probably do pampers right away and then transition to Target for the first couple months, by default (and her Daddy's prompting)  I don't really care if I have an Epidural or not.   I'm not sure what Plan B is, if it doesn't work for her to sleep in our room.  And Joel and I have only talked about her name once...I think...crazy.  

Possibly the craziest reality that I am attempting to grasp, is that I am having a baby, an infant, but I am not going to have the Benjamin experience over again.  I don't mean, sleeping/eating patterns, or boy vs girl.  I mean that I'm never going to have just one baby again.  I don't get to give her all my attention, all the time.  Along with that, I don't get to give Benjamin all my attention anymore either.  There is nothing I can do to prepare for that, at least not that I know of, but I think its maybe good, that I've thought about it.  Hopefully that keeps me from either ignoring Benjamin when she comes, or getting slightly depressed that Benjamin's not my baby anymore.  I can see both happening, so I'm just trying to eat up Benjamin time right now, and get excited for his new role in life...as well as mine - mother of two!  (that sounds weird)

On to some details...Miss Littler is still much wigglier than all the books say she will be at 35 weeks.  I keep forgetting to ask my OB if it means she is little, with a lot of room in there, or if she's just feisty.  Her heart rate was 150 and she's measuring right on target.  I dont really know if I gained weight at the last apt.  It goes so fast, and when I looked at the number, it didn't look like it.  I know I should be able to just weigh myself at home and figure it out, but I forget what it was two weeks ago, so I can't tell if its the same, or if I gained 1 lb.  It doesn't really matter.  She said "weight looks good".  So whatever that means...Once I got hydrated, I stopped feeling like I was in labor, so that was good.   Not good, is that the "electric feelings" down my right thigh have started (I had them with Benjamin) and they hurt so bad.  I'm sleeping pretty good.  I wake up a lot to go to the bathroom, but don't have problems going back to sleep. My only complaint is "restless leg syndrome".  You laugh, but its real, and its awful!   I sometimes wake up at 6:40ish, but its nice to have 20 minutes to get ready for Benjamin at 7:00.  I starting loving coffee.  I only have one a day, but still its not my proudest moment.  I went to Target and got delicious creamers today, so that I quit going through Starbucks.  I also LOVE shepherds pie.  I liked it before, but I LOVE it now.  Poor Joel.  We have it a lot.

Joel walked into the kitchen last week and said, "holy nesting!"  I denied it for some reason, explaining to him that cleaning many of the cupboards ect, had been on my to do list for a long time, I just hadn't gotten around to doing it yet.  In retrospect, however, I guess I have begun to nest a little.  I've sorted through onsies a couple times, rearranged dresser drawers, made sure bedding was washed, sorted some cupboards in the kitchen, sorted the closet...etc.  When I was afraid of early labor, I realized people might stay in my house with Benjamin, and I suddenly panicked!  

Well, 1 more week before I will "allow her" to come, and 3 1/2 weeks before "I want" her to come.  5 more weeks before she's "supposed" to come, and 6 weeks, till I take her out myself, if it hasn't happened naturally.  

Happy growing baby girl!

walking alone

I've been overwhelmed with the magnitude of My Sin, the ridiculousness of God's Grace, and how my emotions are so dependent on what I think about those two things.  Those thoughts determine my perspective of life, and my perspective heavily weighs on my emotions.

Those are major subjects that I won't attempt to have insight or wisdom on, but as I've been thinking a lot about those things, and listening to and reading what others have to say, I can't help but be aware how little I invite God into my life.  Recognizing how far my sin separates me from God and how unworthy I am of the gift of salvation causes me to want to hide when thinking of how I treat my relationship with Him.  I act as though He is a lifeline, and not even my first choice sometimes.  I expect to be saved in the moment of extreme tribulation, but then often attach conditions to his plans...ex: how I would like to be rescued, and where He's going to take me afterwards, and how long I'll stay there...ect.

A while ago my pastor reminded us of Moses in the tent of mtg.  God was so irritated with the Israelites, that He finally said, "You never stop complaining.  I'm so upset you can Go ahead and Go without me.  I'll give you safety, but I'm not going with you"  Moses came back and rather than appreciating the permission, and safety...Moses said, "If you're not with us, I'm not budging." ( summarized by me; not out of the text) http://wmv.amesefc.org/2010/sr091910.wmv

How often do I act according to my will, and ask God to just approve of it?  I don't seek Him first, I just want to know He's close enough to throw me a life preserver.  How many places do I try to go in life without giving thought to whether God's coming with me...and not just coming, but leading me...

I am very insecure about relationships.  I often claim intuition, but usually just have a negative outlook on how others feel about me.  A friend has been very distant lately, and at times, I let myself get overwhelmed with imagining what they are thinking about me, how they must have been hurt by me, how they are hurting me in return, what they want me to do...etc.  But the other day I had an "ah haaa" moment.  Thats kind of what its like when I ignore my relationship with God for a long time.  I'll be doing o.k., and that results in forgetting to involve Him in any of my decisions or plans.  Then life gets a little rocky and I freak out.  I have to search for Him, and then I can't figure out what He's thinking, or how He feels about what I'm doing.  I've completely ignored the relationship and it results in being on completely different pages.  Unfortunately, the page that I've written might have moments of thrill or excitement, but doesn't seem to have happy endings.

I write all this, only to process that I have a lot of "acceptable sin" in my life that has crept up because I ask God to sit out a few plays, once in a while.  I've gotten comfortable seeing God on the sideline, and have refused to acknowledge my dependence on His leading.  I get selfish.  I get independent.  I get stupid.  Unless I am always letting him be captain of my team, I'm not going to understand his difficult game play calls.

Thats my self analysis/mini sermon of the night.  And to think...I started this blog thinking I was going to write a 35 week/ 18 month old baby update...I guess I'll have to write another post. :)

Center Grove

Normally we have family night on Wednesday nights, but this Wednesday Joel was getting together with a student for his birthday, so we had a "family day" instead.  It was fantastic.  We've wanted to take Benjamin to Center Grove Apple Orchard all fall, and we have either been busy or too tired the last few weeks.  

Well, today was the day!  The weather was perfect, and other than momma being a little too pregnant and easily tuckered out, and Benjamin starting off wanting to take a nap (at 10a.m.) it was a great morning!  Benjamin loved it, and I really want to take him back when he's not so exhausted.  The animals were a great distraction from his sleepiness, and my only disappointment was that the hay rides weren't running.  Benjamin was VERY  excited about the tractors.  He loved the goats, and could have hung out with the horses forever.  He's never been interested in pigs (books or live), and the roosters cock a doodle doo scared him a little bit.  He handled the slide o.k., but the biggest hit, for him and Dad, was the maze.  Benjamin loved running around looking for Daddy, and the look of excitement when he found him was worth the admission x 10.  

His legs were noodles by 11:30, and he just wanted to be held and lay on Daddy's chest.  We took that as a cue to head on home!  It was only a matter of minutes before Benjamin was zonked out in the car.  He even slept through Dad taking his vest and shoes off before putting him in bed.  This was a great opportunity for Joel and I to get a nap too!  Overall it was a fantastic day!  Here's some pictures...

 

  

Happy Fall!

Fall is officially here (according to the calendar, temperature and leaves!).  Benjamin and I decided to visit our new favorite park today in West Ames, and I grabbed our camera on my way out the door.

On our way I decided to call a couple of friends who live super close to the park and see if they wanted to join us.  It only worked for my good friend, Rebekah Stephenson, and she just happens to be a professional photographer.  Well, after I took these super unprofessional shots, she went inside, grabbed her camera and caught some pretty incredible shots!  I cant wait to see them, and then show them off...but in the meantime...

they are candid and VERY unprofessional, but his handsome self makes up for it :)

we are just starting to like the slide!

marching off to explore

are you coming mom?!?

I love how he looks when he thinks he's being super independant

this is the beautiful bridge we had pictures taken on a year ago...so pretty!

Benjamin LOVED dropping things off the bridge into the stream.

Benjamin may deceive you with his cuteness, but he's being naughty and not walking by momma back to the van.

march march march

just chill'n with the pumpkins

My little All Star

Benjamin and I supported purple and gold last night and had to get some pictures of our matching selves (thanks papa!)

Despite our teams inability to make us proud, my little mans vocabulary is expanding and making me very proud.  Yes, I know its a very short list, but I'll won't be concerned about it unless we're still not saying momma at 2yrs!

• ball
• go
• "whsat"-whats that ( i realized its very mumble jumbled because thats how momma says it!)
• hi
• dot
• eye
• "llla" - i love you (this one is a stretch, but I know thats what he he's trying to immitate)

Thats what we have so far!

10-09-10

There are moments in your life that are so magically different than every other moment...when no matter how crazy life is, how uncertain the future is, how stressed your norm has become, or how tired you wake up...for that moment life is good, really really good - Life seems manageable, uncertain futures don't seem that scary, stress becomes a decision you won't chose and not a condition you're stuck with, and sleep seems optional.

I've had a few of those moments in my 26 years of life...

Although, I don't remember asking Jesus into my life specifically I remember one night looking out of our downstairs window, knowing that Jesus loved me and that I got to go to heaven.

I remember being in my Dad's truck when I was little with Dad, and my older sister, coming too or from Menards thinking how much I loved the smell of Menards, and how much I liked when Dad let us listen to country.

I also remember being on the porch with my Dad sometime in jr. high, I think.  My mom and sisters were away for the weekend and my Dad stayed at home with me for softball.  I don't remember anything significant about that night, but I think we were working on some project, and I was really really happy.

Another distinct memory was in college at a Bible Study we were having for high school students.  We were in the upstairs living room of the college presidents house (also a classmate and friends house) and I heard "this guy" answering a students question, and I thought...wow, thats the kind of guy I want to marry someday (It was Joel).  Then there was the time that Joel and I went on a walk in Dubuque and it started raining on us. It was soon raining very hard, and we ducked into this strangers garage.  I was very happy and very in love  :)
Thankfully I don't have a shortage of moments to think fondly of with Joel, but another highlight was on our 52  hr trip back home from our delayed honeymoon.  We had been flying for many hours, and then were to finish the trip off with a drive back from Texas.  Although I LOVED our cruise, and LOVED Portugal, the highlight of the whole trip for me was our insane trip back.  We were so sleep deprived, that everything was bound to be either extremely heightened or dulled at that point...and for me it was definitely the heightened.  We were so silly, and random and just happy - even after spending 14 days together!

Well tonight it was my little man who gave me a "moment".  I have been so overwhelmed with life the past two weeks, and this weekend was more "go, go go".  I did hair all morning for a good friends wedding and then came home, put Benjamin down for his nap, ate lunch, showered, got Benjamin ready, and left for the wedding.  It was at Riverside in Story City, and it was gorgeous.  I had been talking all day about not being able to wait to seen Benjamin "bust a move" at the dance.  Well, this momma didn't make it that long, and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  After realizing that I was beginning to not pay attention to my son, and barely had enough energy to react when he choked on a piece of lettuce, I knew it was time to go! ( even without dancing)  So with my handsome 17 month old holding my right hand, we walked from the reception site, past the chapel and down the sidewalk to our van.  It was a decent walk, especially for those short little legs.  But Benjamin didn't struggle or run away; he just held my hand and marched - occasionally pointing out leaves, or responding to the geese' loud calls from the pond, but mostly in silence.  And it was then, even with life being crazy, Joel not being home, non pregnancy tights digging in, and the belt around my ribs becoming just a bit too light, life was perfect.  I didn't have a camera to take a physical picture, but I'm counting on my memory, and this post, to keep good record of the mental picture, of my little man in khaki shorts, white button down, and blue sweater vest, marching in the October leaves.

Thanks to my three favorite men for my favorite moments ever.

32.5 weeks

I'm feeling un-inspired to write this entry.  My hope in doing so, is that the excitement I truly feel about this little girl, will surface above my incredible tiredness, overwhelming schedule, and embarrassing forgetfulness.  

First off - The FACTS:

• Heart rate - 155 - She was rolling around when we were listening today at my Dr. Apt.  It shot up from the 140.  I think she was frustrated she didn't have more room to wiggle.
• "She" gained a pound in the last two weeks.  I was pretty excited about this because the last couple apts. weren't showing any change, and that made me feel like she wasn't going to be a fat and happy baby...but we're good now, and I can stop justifying multiple helpings at meal time, Frappe drinks from Mc Donalds, and the Doritos that I might have eaten in the corner today so Benjamin didn't see me. :)
• Along with gaining weight, she is growing in length like a champ!  Today we were measuring 33 weeks.  
• My back hurts a lot...sometimes I don't realize how much it hurts and I just get crabby.
• I'm sleeping horribly.  I sleep fine for 3-5 hrs...then wake up.  If I dont get out of bed and do something, I just lay there and go in and out of sleep every 15-30 minutes.  But if I get up, I can usually go back to sleep after an hour or two or three.  The problem is, there aren't enough hours in the night for me to be all willy nilly with my schedule, before Benjamin wakes up.  There could be worse problems...but I don't enjoy it
• Although I seem annoyed sometimes, its so great how active she is.  She seriously doesn't stop moving.  Now its too the stage where its not just constant feeling but i just stare at my stomach and watch it shift...weird.

On an exciting note...My friend who has a 3 1/2 year old girl, and excellent taste, is having a garage sale this weekend.  She let me go through her clothes today pre-sale, and I came out with embarrassing amts of clothes.  I'm hoping she was serious and not just patronizing me, when she said she didn't mind how much I take.  Unfortunately the majority of my findings were 12-24 months...Either she better be one big baby, or I will need to find something for this chick to wear the first couple months...right now, I'm just hoping for limited diaper blow outs!  Also we're borrowing another baby gate  from a family friend, for the top of the stairs, so that I can go back and forth from the LR to their bedroom/changing table a million times a day without stepping over the gate.  This will be nice to give Benjamin some freedom also...at least when i want him to be free.

I haven't done a thing to get ready for Miss Littler beside wash some neutral clothes from Benjamin, and a few things from Duck Worth.  I guess I emptied the left side of the dresser for some storage options.   I still need to decide on a moby wrap? color? used or new?...bring the bassinet upstairs...decide if I want her to be a pacifier user...think about a double stroller...nice ones are SO expensive, and cheap ones are MISERABLE to push...In my head I'll just push him, and wear her...make a diaper bag decision (I sold the one I used for Benjamin, and now I'm just using a beach tote)...maybe get some infant diapers, and decide if I'm waiting to do cloth with her right away at home...Most of these things involve decisions and I'm not doing well with making any concrete decisions right now...I've still go 7.5 weeks, whats the rush!

Well, thats about it!  I'll leave out the info concerning my tolerance for a very messy house, overdue library books, business tax procrastination, and lazy parenting that has resulted in Benjamin knowing that he gets to come out and watch t.v. with me one time, after I already put him down...Those things will all go away once I have her, right?!

Pictures

Thanks Aunt Tara for our hand-me-down toys!

Benjamin has decided that he can feed himself breakfast.  Although it keeps him content in his high chair for long periods of time, we have yet to consume much of our oatmeal via mouth!

So curious all the time!

Once he steps on his pants, he usually wiggles them down further and further...which is why we spend a lot of days just in a diaper!

 Miss Littler at 31.5 weeks!