I've been overwhelmed with the magnitude of My Sin, the ridiculousness of God's Grace, and how my emotions are so dependent on what I think about those two things. Those thoughts determine my perspective of life, and my perspective heavily weighs on my emotions.
Those are major subjects that I won't attempt to have insight or wisdom on, but as I've been thinking a lot about those things, and listening to and reading what others have to say, I can't help but be aware how little I invite God into my life. Recognizing how far my sin separates me from God and how unworthy I am of the gift of salvation causes me to want to hide when thinking of how I treat my relationship with Him. I act as though He is a lifeline, and not even my first choice sometimes. I expect to be saved in the moment of extreme tribulation, but then often attach conditions to his plans...ex: how I would like to be rescued, and where He's going to take me afterwards, and how long I'll stay there...ect.
A while ago my pastor reminded us of Moses in the tent of mtg. God was so irritated with the Israelites, that He finally said, "You never stop complaining. I'm so upset you can Go ahead and Go without me. I'll give you safety, but I'm not going with you" Moses came back and rather than appreciating the permission, and safety...Moses said, "If you're not with us, I'm not budging." ( summarized by me; not out of the text) http://wmv.amesefc.org/2010/sr091910.wmv
How often do I act according to my will, and ask God to just approve of it? I don't seek Him first, I just want to know He's close enough to throw me a life preserver. How many places do I try to go in life without giving thought to whether God's coming with me...and not just coming, but leading me...
I am very insecure about relationships. I often claim intuition, but usually just have a negative outlook on how others feel about me. A friend has been very distant lately, and at times, I let myself get overwhelmed with imagining what they are thinking about me, how they must have been hurt by me, how they are hurting me in return, what they want me to do...etc. But the other day I had an "ah haaa" moment. Thats kind of what its like when I ignore my relationship with God for a long time. I'll be doing o.k., and that results in forgetting to involve Him in any of my decisions or plans. Then life gets a little rocky and I freak out. I have to search for Him, and then I can't figure out what He's thinking, or how He feels about what I'm doing. I've completely ignored the relationship and it results in being on completely different pages. Unfortunately, the page that I've written might have moments of thrill or excitement, but doesn't seem to have happy endings.
I write all this, only to process that I have a lot of "acceptable sin" in my life that has crept up because I ask God to sit out a few plays, once in a while. I've gotten comfortable seeing God on the sideline, and have refused to acknowledge my dependence on His leading. I get selfish. I get independent. I get stupid. Unless I am always letting him be captain of my team, I'm not going to understand his difficult game play calls.
Thats my self analysis/mini sermon of the night. And to think...I started this blog thinking I was going to write a 35 week/ 18 month old baby update...I guess I'll have to write another post. :)
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