Well, Today happened. Today happened and my baby is wiggly, and healthy. My baby is wiggly and healthy, along with the other loves in my nest, therefore Today was a good day.
Friday I had over an hour of contractions. It was unsettling (because I was now informed of pre-term-labor possibilities and realities) and I was relieved when they subsided. Saturday and Sunday were hard logistically, as this was the stickiest my seat had been stuck to the couch (meaning I did good at following instructions, but it was lots of extra work for Joel), but only a few contractions, and a few painful moments. Monday night wasn't fun. I hurt. A lot. enough to take a tylenol which is a big deal for this anti drug mom. Tuesday night was worse, and the discomfort continued waking me up from 3am-6am and then on into the day. My apt was at 1:45 and by this time I was very grateful to check up with a doctor!
All night I felt as though a bandaid was being pulled off my uterus, and I realized I had only felt few isolated/possible kicks. For hours I just kept repeating the request for God to breath life into my babe. To breath life and hope in me, and then again and again to breath life into this little baby. As we arrived at the apt, Joel declared that I would most likely go in for an impromptu ultrasound to check things, and then verbalized what I had not yet even processed...That they might admit me, or prescribe COMPLETE bed rest. (he knows my pain tolerance is pretty high, so it bothered him that I was so verbal about it) At that point, I was scared enough for a bad outcome, that any solution seemed like a good solution and I was not as scared of being committed as he was. (I guess something about playing a "single" dad in law school and dividing your time between home, hospital and school is very uneasy :) )
So back to the appointment. I got there and had a mediocre interaction with the nurse. (I cried a little and she didn't obviously care much) Then my "official" OB came. I had met with her for my miscarriage last winter, an early 6 week apt, and then in the ER office with my first scary bleed (9.5 weeks?). She is nice. But communication, tone, tact and delivery are a big deal to me, and well, today we just weren't on the same page.
So the important facts: Baby Boy is active. His heart rate is 152 bpm. He wiggled around a bit and she had to chase him for a couple seconds while he changed positions. Also, I'm not visibly bleeding (2 weeks tomorrow!). This meant the appointment was good and assurance for the doctor that things are well.
For me it was an uneasy appointment. Joel and I processed it on the way home and think that it seems likely the nurse labeled me as an emotionally uneasy pregnant woman and warned the doctor before she came in... (Joel assured me I'm not really that emotional this pregnancy!) My OB came in and after general greetings and me letting her know that I had been in pain, she found the heart beat, and declared that Everything seemed great, the baby was healthy and she was excited that we could go home encouraged by such a great report. She said I was probably not comfortable because of ligament pain, and that was that...
I started to process what I was feeling, the pain I had felt, if she had heard any of my concerns or addressed them and questioned why I wasn't going in for an ultrasound. I began to ask her to clarify her happy go lucky attitude. The specialist last week had concern up and down her face and impressed on me the importance of taking it easy till 24-28 weeks. She had described me and my baby's environment as delicate. Why after 6 days were we celebrating already. Was I off modified bed rest?
Well about my second sentence or question I got VERY choked up. She explained that in the scheme of things she witnesses, my situation is great. This was not encouraging to me. It just made me feel like she didn't care because other peoples situations were worse.
She then shared that she isn't worried because of the great position of the bleed(not behind the placenta). To this I continued to question tearfully that I understood it could be worse, but wasn't I on modified bed rest because we didn't want to activate the bleed/wound, shift its location or encourage contractions?! Her response was two fold in that she thought the specialist probably "heightened the instructions" because a mom of two young kids probably wouldn't follow it exactly, and also that it was good to listen to the specialist, but there was no need to do an ultrasound because there wasn't anything to do for a baby under 24 weeks no matter what they saw. Because they found a heartbeat and I'm not actively bleeding, she thinks things are great.
I cried a little harder after this because although I knew she was correct about most of what she said, I passionately feel that not all of my pain is from ligaments. It may not be dangerous, but it isn't normal. However because we found a strong heartbeat she said that this is my new threshold of normal and I don't need to call or come in unless bleeding or pain increases from this point. She also said I could take up to 4 doses of extra strength tylenol a day. (my question is, how would I know if the pain gets worse, if I'm drugged up on tylenol?!)
I continued to tear up because although there is nothing they as physicians can do for my baby I believe wholeheartedly that the only reason there is no "proof" that bed rest improves baby's chances in high risk pregnancies, it is because there are variables that CANNOT be controlled, and therefore never proven. However, if increased activity causes me to painfully contract, and contractions cause unstoppable pre-term-labor, than wouldn't we want to stop the activity? (Essentially a concerned mom doesn't want to feel that nothing she does matters for the safety of her child.) She said to stay on modified bed rest if that was helping.
Well, at this point she started talking about emotional help and seeing a therapist for pregnancy hormone help and if special techniques didn't work, they could suggest medication...
You can imagine how well I handled that.
So I left the appointment frustrated. Thrilled that baby has a strong heartbeat, confident that Jesus is assuredly the only Great Physician, and confused about what life was supposed to look like when I walked through my front doors.
Joel and I have had a few less than great communication exchanges, but overall God has covered us with so much grace the last few months. The ride home was no different and Joel was a champ at helping me process. We think she really is a good doctor, but that her matter of fact stance on life, and preconceived ideas that I was crazy (thank you nurse), tainted her words a little too much. She tired to give me encouragement but the delivery leaned on the side of flippant. The Specialist and the OB both ended with the same verdict of doing little, they just presented it differently. It is good for me to mesh the two views and continue on my couch until an ultrasound shows us otherwise, but to do so with HOPE that things are well. We can have MUCH hope while still being committed to do our part in not rocking this babies boat.
Lastly, God has given us so many gifts through the last few months. Friendships. Priority shifts. Financial scares that require faith which are always followed by provision. Strengthened faith. An attitude of continued conversations of prayer. ... and a healthy baby boy. I didn't really enjoy today (partially due to 5+ hours of sleep), but in the end I know I don't think factually it could have been better. Emotions are another issue, but they can recover, right?
So we now wait until our ultrasound next Tuesday to see if this wound looks any different and decipher what the following 4 weeks will look like. Until then, we pray for Joel's finals prep, my commitment to rest and give thanks for friends helping with meal prep, activities for B and V, soon to be vacuumed floors and muffin surprises in the morning.
Good night until we meet again ;)
