Then and Now

Hey!  I had my 38 week appointment today.  What semi worthless mind games these appointments are! Such excitement but little foresight into reality.

I am dilated to a 4+ and 80% effaced.  She said she would be surprised if I make it to my appointment next week, but I also have a friend who was super dilated and effaced and went close to 2 weeks over due!

I won't lie, It did sound like I would have baby this weekend until I looked at Benjamin and Violets facts.

BENJAMIN EDWARD

12 days before labor

dilated to a 1 or 2 and 80%

VIOLET ANN ELOISE

1 1/2 weeks before induction

dilated to a 2 and 80%

So that tells me effacement % is not an indicator of going this week, and maybe i'm just more dilated because its my third birthing rodeo.  

Also, I am sorry I'm a liar.  As I was looking for pregnancy facts I discovered that this electric feeling that I claim is new for me...yeah, I had it with Benjamin and possibly Violet.  Such a horrible memory/amazing skill at blocking things :)  Also with Benjamin we had the same "measuring too small" scare and he also was just so low they missed most of his head measurement.  So, although there has been a lot of quirks that are unique about this pregnancy, there are a lot of normals as well.  I am flabbergasted at the quantity of life happenings I don't recall.  I need to stop thinking about it, before I start crying!

The most exciting news of the day was when Joel shared that he thinks he'll be done with the bulk of Law Review by Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(I will not apologize for the quantity of exclamation marks!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as excited as I would be to dance this baby out tomorrow night at the Barristers Ball tomorrow night (yes, I'm going to a ball 9 months pregnant), I would really like to wait until next weekend.  Joel would be done with his heaviest of loads, start getting sleep again and get a few hours in at the firm he's working at this semester. We shall see!

Ok, I'm exhausted and I have a big day tomorrow!  Sweet Dreams!

...

When you enjoy talking better than listening (I'm not proud of this reality), you blog instead of watching TV.  It's been the way I am as long as I can remember. I enjoy TV, and I'll watch it, but it seems like such a waste of time, and I almost get mentally prideful that I don't watch it.  Is that because I'm being productive with my time?  Heavens no.  I window shop on line, I play on pinterest, I recipe hunt, I snoop facebook, and I blog.  I should really think about investing in an activity with more "fruit".  But not tonight. Tonight I'll chat again with you about my day and ignore the fact that Joel's not here to be my sounding board. tear. (Blogging fills up my word quota, and I can't say Joel isn't better off not being held captive by my rambling thoughts)

So we have reached a milestone.  I think it was around 34 of 35 weeks that multiple times in the week I got in conversations with people who didn't realize I was pregnant or we had awkward moments of them wanting to say something but not be sure they should be bold and ask.  Then this week happened. :)  The pants I wore 2 weeks ago with the aid of a hair tie hung open as far as my hips warning me that there was no rubber band strong enough to defy gravity and keep those puppies up.  And the dear woman who asked if I was ready to go anytime because I had to be due soon...Or the grocer who asked if I had help at home or if my bags were light enough to ensure I could get them to the door.  I have arrived at the home of "super pregnant" just in time for departure. My Ultrasound tech doubts he will make it to 8 lbs, but I am beginning to wonder.  My pants don't fit, My shirts dont fit and I am ready to not make heavy signing noises when I bend over. But until then...

Lauras Ground Beef was on sale at the grocery store today for $3.30/lb, so I bought 6!  We have a freezer 1/3 full of cuts of meat that have bones and intimidate me, so I was eager to food prep with the comfortability of ground beef.  I made 2 meat loaves (which is a dinner we never eat, but it seemed easy!), taco meat, sweet potato sloppy joe topping, and steak and veggies.  Besides going to the grocery store successfully 2 different times, we also had a last minute meeting this afternoon, went to an additional store looking for homestead creamery milk (the whole town seems to be out!), and stopped at Dairy Queen for free DQ birthday ice cream cones! 

I. Am. Pooped.

Tomorrow shall be fun!  I'm hoping to tackle my bathrooms after school, do a hair cut, maybe wash the car seat straps and spend an afternoon with friends!  We start soccer practice for Benjamin AND Violet tomorrow evening so we are pretty pumped about that, and I get to end the night with a walk through of the hospital's maternity ward.  It sounds far less overwhelming than today was!

On that note, I might go to bed early. Our days have been so full the kids and I's personal alarm clocks haven't been registering morning until between 7 and 8, and I really would like to scoot that up a bit (for myself!  NOT them.) So in attempt to prove the accuracy of early to bed, earlier to rise...Goodnight!

*update: I have been long declaring my preferred due date as March 28 over April 3... but I think I am switching my wishes to March 21.  Just so you know...

i don't enjoy the personally snapped selfie bumps, and I was too tired to stand up, but here's a little glimpse for the records

wincing whining and weeping

This is my first baby.

Baby Boy. Bugaboo. Buddy.

Momma prefers Benjamin Edward.

Violet prefers Benj.

We all call him Buddy.

This is my second babe.

She fits the title of Violet Ann Eloise more beautifully than I could have hoped for,

however, for 4.5 years she has answered to "pickles", "Vi", "Violet Ann" and most commonly, "Baby".

We are two parents who are thankful for GRACE in parenting, beyond blessed with offspring with whit and humor and taken aback by the chance to fall in love with another little human very shortly.  But this little human, just like the first babes, will change life forever!

Currently however, I wince in pain as Baby Bear burrows his head and hits my nervous system causing me pain only comparable to labor (only much more electric MUCH shorter and more frequent)...I whine about my sciatic nerve alerting me of its presence and chastising me for too much activity in the day...and as I whine further still about the timing of my husbands huge load at school, I also find myself weeping. I wept in the library yesterday as Violet begged me to measure her while I was quickly trying to screen a "big sister" book to prep her for the change ahead.  On the first couple pages the elder sibling made cries such as "I used to be 'baby'", and "when Momma shouted for 'baby' she used to be talking about me." 

I fell apart, quickly shoved that book back in the side cart, and eagerly distracted myself with her measurements. This of course led to more weeping as I stood in amazement at how big my baby was! 

My Benjamin Edward will be 6 next month. His jaw is growing so big it looks like he has lost teeth because of the massive space between his baby teeth! He can pour his own cereal and milk. He reads, and corrects me on facts. Frequently.

And Violet. My baby. If you would have asked me about the nick name "baby" at ANY stage of my life before Violet, I would have gagged and assured you that was not for me or anyone with good taste. But somehow it happened and thats who she is, and I love it. I love this baby we are about to meet face to face, but I am not comfortable with him stealing this title! Its currently taken by the most adorable funniest, blonde haired girl that I have ever met, and she isn't allowed to give it away! She wept tonight as I tucked her in, declaring that she didn't want to cuddle with Daddy only on special nights, but she wanted to cuddle with him EVERY night (Law Review has been tough!).  I'm teary just thinking of trying to divide our time with this newcomer, this miraculous intruder with an equivalent need for attention, a charisma and heart that will take no effort to love and little man that must be destined for such incredible things.  I want all of those things but I'm just in awe of how it is possible for all that to happen and keep the rest of our nest whole.

So I am 37.5 weeks pregnant. I long to have this baby yesterday and torture myself by thinking every contraction, every pain and every everything is a sign of labor drawing near. But reality is that I could have these signs for 3.5 more weeks and still be days away from labor. It is a sign that the final push is approaching, but not indicator of how quickly that event will take place. And as desperately as I wish to meet this little man whom God has so graciously protected on this rocky road of pregnancy I want to chose patients. More time to hear about Benjamin's crazy dreams in the morning. More time to catch glimpses of Violet playing librarian by herself as she waits for Benjamin to finish whatever he is doing (side note: she thinks you have to pay for library books.  #momma=finequeen #libraryrookie #shelovesstacking). More time to love the life I have now, before I love the one I'm about to have.

This memory's lane has left me oh so sad and nostalgic but also left me so very excited!  I forgot how funny both of these little people have been since their first year. I forgot how stinking cute and chubby my love bugs are. I forgot how I had no concept of the depth of loving either of them until the moment they arrived and now know the emptiness I would feel without them!  It will be the same with Bear. He will fill our hearts where we didn't know there were cracks. He will entertain us when were for sure we too busy for anything more. He will be chubby, and cute and show me how much I need Jesus as well as how incredible it is that Jesus loves me more than I love our little family.  I'm so excited to meet him. #patientlyexcitedlycontent

now, I shall go look through more pictures while shedding a few more very hormonal tears. 

Goodnight

  

More from Violet

Violet Quote: "Daddy, sometimes when you smile at me it makes me feel like its my birthday...It makes me so happy."

record keeping details

In the excitement of the day I forgot to record a couple of details.  Bear is about 6.5 lbs and 55% for his gestational age.  He had his first photo op with no interest of impressing us with anything besides his stats.  He is so low and sizable that good ultrasounds are tricky, but they were impossible when he decided to cover his face with his hands, and sometimes his hands and feet...the WHOLE time.  She even procrastinated a while waiting for him to move positions (movement has NEVER been a problem) but he was having NONE of it.  She didn't want to predict if I would be likely to go into labor early, but she did say that it was very unlikely that I would have an 8 lb baby.  She guesses 7.5 (and that makes me think she estimates 2 weeks).

I thought they would check effacement and dilation today but because I am 36 and 5 days, and not 37 she wasn't going to without my specific request.  And now that I know he's growing well, I want him to wait 2 more weeks, so the less interference the better! (as hard as it was to turn down being checked.  I just like information!)

My mood is greatly improved the last 48 hours.  Mostly due to Sunshine and an "ah ha!" moment that these are my last days with JUST B&V.  They deserve our last few weeks of uninterrupted time to be happy!  

Ok, my Raspberry Leaf tea is getting cold, so I'd better go!  until next time...

Happy Sigh.

It's 70+ degrees out today.  My husband wore his fabulous dragon fly tie.  My kiddos let me stroll around Whole Foods and Kroger aimlessly while they sang their hearts out.  I decided to have great hair again and bought some AVEDA shampoo...oh ya, and my baby is perfect.  Perfectly sized, around the perfect amount of fluid, in a perfect position with perfect flow from the umbilical cord. Its a pretty great day. :)

Thats all.

Small or too small

Another Day Another Appointment.  Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks along.  Hooray! I'm getting much bigger, much less patient, have much less motivation for anything non baby and am much less reasonable in my reasoning skills.

Take today for example:  I stewed and stewed my last hour of awake time last evening...Scheming about how the events of today would play out.  I don't have a vehicle on Wednesdays and Fridays, so I am much less "fly by the seat of my pants" than I would care to be.  My "to do" list (which is actually much more accurately described as a "could do" list) involved Target take backs, Walmart hospital essentials, Costco cravings, Kroger grocery shopping and an OB appointment.  oh...and I was going to try to squeeze in a coffee date with a dear friend and might have forgot to include feeding my children (including the one in my tummy).  My window of time was 6.5 hours due to dropping Daddy off at school, and getting home before the ice attacked the roads.  The coffee date was an attempt to be a nice break in the middle.

Well, we dropped Daddy off at school and then took off...The day didn't start off well when we got to Costco at 9:35 and IT DIDNT OPEN UNTIL 10:00AM!  Are you kidding me?!  I had our entire day charted out with arrival times/departure times and now I had a weird 25 minute block of time to work with.  Well, we made do and got to the OB appointment 5 minutes early (which is actually 10 minutes later than they ask...) After the appointment I had only one more needed stop, to the grocery store.  We have lots of potential ice tonight and if Joel goes to work tomorrow, I won't have the car, so it was a must.  I realized we were all ravenously hungry at 12:30 so we had a quick bite to eat in the "chef on the run" department (thats what they call their buffet!) and tried to "quickly" do our shopping.  Pause.  I think it is important to reflect at this time on what events all had taken place since 9:15.  We took daddy to school, went to Costco, went to Target, swung by Walmart, went back to Costco (where we waited FOREVER in line) flew to my doctor appointment (and by that I mean our car went the speed limit while our mind raced on if we would be late), and finally ate at 12:30ish.  That might be a normal day for ya'll but after that, there is no hurrying for this hippo momma.  I couldn't remember where anything was in the grocery store.  I just walked around aimlessly speaking harshly under my breath about why grocery stores only contain chemicals, food coloring, sugar and raw meat.  Needless to say, it wasn't really a "quick" stop.  We finally got home around 2:40, after picking up a husband...who was famished, because I also forgot that he would need lunch.  (thankfully coffee didn't work out for either my friend or I and neither of us had to feel bad about canceling)

All in all it was a good day.  Great strides were taken in getting my "could do" list "done".  Benjamin and Violet were fabulous (their new thing is to be angels when we are out and about and save their less pleasant selves for when we are home...or maybe its just that momma is less patient at home?! hmm. never mind. )

However, whats up with the Title of this post: Small or Too Small. Although my appointment went well, we scheduled another ultrasound next Wednesday.  This baby is really into glamor shots.  I think I had convinced myself that Bear was HUGE.  A couple appointments he was just over average, his movements are so strong, my uterus is such a pansy and none of my shirts fit.  In my head he is a giant!  Well, I guess the last three appointments he has measured small ( 1 - 2 weeks small) so next week we go in to determine if he is small, or too small.  Small is fine, and actually excites my pre-pushing self.  Too small means that we are concerned that he might not be getting all the nutrients he needs which means my Placenta is quitting before the end of the game.  In this case, they would determine if I needed much more frequent stress tests, ultrasounds and possibly scheduled delivery between 37 and 39 weeks.  In the meantime I'll just make sure he stays wiggly, and look forward to Wednesday.

Well, thats enough rambling from this crazy lady.  Pray for Benjamin and Violet as they put up with my craziness.  Pray for Joel as he tries to focus on his mind boggling list of responsibilities the next 4 weeks, for doctors that they accurately access my history and measurements and pray for baby that God gives him growth at a perfect speed and a delivery in His perfect timing!

GoodNight to all!

Violets nightly prayer

Dear Jesus name,
Be with our hearts and thank you for your power.  Thank you for loving us.  Help us keep surviving...just a little while longer. And thank you that your power can keep us breathing.  Thank you that Benjamin is getting healthier and keep baby bear healthier
In Jesus Name
Amen

QUOTES

On the way to the Doctors office:

V - Benj (while riding in the car ), wanna look for Hondas?
B - yeah, thats a great idea.
V - Its really kind of hard to see them when they are moving, so I like to look for them stopped.
B - Well, You know School Busses won't be Hondas so you don't have to use your time looking at them, cause they will never be Hondas, right mom?
V - I think I found the most Hondas.  I don't know what number though.
B - Well Violet, this isn't really a game where you count for a big number and be a winner.  You just say when you find one and it makes you feel great.

:) (there is no possible way for me to have typed that verbal exchange as fantastically as it happened!)

Violet's Prayer/Benjamin's response:

V - Thank you God that you love our hearts, and that you are always with us. And thank you that you love us, and are so powerful in our hearts and are so powerful to give us this supper.  And help Daddy be safe and that he's almost done with school and his focus and help Benjamin to not be sick and for Daddy to get better (Daddy hasn't been sick for a long time but she always includes this!) and be with our hearts. In Jesus name Amen.
B - Wow. And thats how you rock it.

Violet at Benjamin's doctor appointment:

Doctor - Hi Benjamin!  Your mom tells me your throats sore!  Does it hurt to swallow your food?

V - hahaha!  Yeah, he's always sooo hungry but not now because he's sooo sick!

B - Well, I don't really know if I've been hungry or not because my throat gets in the way and makes me confused.

Doctor - Wow Benjamin. You are so tall! You take up the whole table!

V - HAHA! no he doesn't!  Look at all the extra room! He's only sort of tall.

Doctor - (to Benjamin)So you should be able to go to school by Wednesday or Thursday.

V - We don't do that, but we are old enough.

Doctor - Mom, is it ok if we get some stickers/suckers for doing such a great job today?

V - (before a response from mom)Benjamin will have a Spiderman sticker and I think I'll get a Snow White or something.

Random:

V - Benjamin who's your favorite humans? Well actually do you just wanna know who my favorite humans are?

B - I cannot leave this (construction paper telescope) here because the people who live here next might just take it, and its not supposed to be theirs. But actually mom, are you just thinking that it will get ruined before then?

*Thank you to Anna Long and other moms who have inspired me to write down some of those hilarious things that spew from their mouths.  Hoping I never forget these long days and FAST years.

Our week(s) in pictures

Hey all!  I'll try to stay focused as I gather thoughts and construct sentences but I can't look down towards the screen without catching Bears limbs sticking out nearly an inch past my stomachs new form.  I've said it before and I'm guessing I will say it the rest of his life...He's crazy!

As some of you may know I am blessed with the opportunity to grow more appreciation for my husbands general involvement in our life, by getting to experience life without him....kind of for a month.  Law Review is the culprit again (along with end of the year projects, Job applications, Bar Applications, 150 hours this semester at a law firm near the ocean front and a little bit of sleep) and will be officially DONE with EIC duties around the 2nd week of April - about a week after baby Bears due date. He's gone about 14-16 hours a day and as I told him earlier,  in the scheme of all of law school we now know that we can successfully be stressed for just 4 or 5 weeks. :)  I'm so proud of him I could burst, and truly think we are coming out this season of life having matured a ton, we've been wowed by God's care for EVERY aspect of life, fallen more in love with each other and in love with God who has a pretty big plan for the unknown days of our lives. With an absent hubby, a village full of sick families, and a personality that stinks on the phone my word tank is VERY full at the end of a day but so is my love tank.  God has been helping my heart be so full of thanks for and in this seasons of life as well as what is to come.  My patience with my littles may be at an all time low (sorry Benjamin and Violet) but my hope for Grace and excitement to watch it dispersed is at an all time HIGH.


So as I anxiously await my baby and desperately wish I could hold him in my arms instead of my belly, I'm also grateful.  Grateful baby Bear is healthy.  Grateful baby isn't here and that Joel hasn't missed anything besides bathroom trips and more nesting projects (he actually has done quite a bit considering his schedule!) And Grateful I am physically able to be a "normal" 8+ month pregnant lady.  I'm probably more winey now than I was during my first and second trimester, and that is so exciting and so sad - happy that things are so great and sad that my perspective took no time in being nearsighted and forgetful of how far we've come.
*mental note: find a way to remember the wonder and gift of life*

Well, I've already alluded to how scattered my brain is with the mammoth stack of information I want to spew (notice I said that I am dying to share it, and not that it would be interesting to receive!) and as boring as my news is, these pictures help:

Benjamin and Violet can't come out of their rooms until 7:00.  They are AMAZING at playing by themselves until 8:00. However this is a CLEAN version of what their rooms look like before breakfast time.  The only solution I can think of is to hide all their toys (which can't happen because we don't have room) or to be super involved from 7:00-8:00 and help them fill their time with organized activities (which can't happen because I haven't had my coffee until 7:30 and I'm usually quite busy cleaning up from the day before, making breakfast and starting the laundry)  This is probably going to get worse when the babe arrives, isn't it?!

Joel and I wanted to get a memory piece for the baby we lost last February.  Joel surprised me with this perfect custom ring last month and I love it quite a bit!

My first attempt at homemade bread

Here is the finished product...that I might be a little proud of :)

She is so funny. Violet makes us laugh every day, and hopefully she is soaking at least a fraction of her "school" as she distracts us, perplexes us and makes me feel quite bipolar everyday; switching back and forth from feeling so blessed to watch her learn, and pulling my hair out experiencing its challenges!

My advice for new moms: 1) Limit screen time when possible and give yourself Grace when it's not. 2) Don't be afraid of messes, but do your babes a favor and make them help clean it up.  3) Pray earnestly about your decisions so that when you change your mind you see it as new direction from God rather than feeling Guilt or failure. 4) Play Eye Spy. In the grocery store.  In the doctors office.  Waiting for anything... 5) Pray your kids love audio books.

Monkey See.  Monkey Do.  Unfortunately this may have only been the 2nd or 3rd time she had ever seen momma do this...

Benjamin's first spelling test. He had seen the spelling words at sometime in the last year, but we didn't review or memorize.  I just wanted to see where he was at.  We did this three days in a row, and then we began reviewing the words we spelled incorrectly. When we focus our retention is amazing...
When.We.Focus.
As the week went on, our focus dwindled.  Even when he had a good attitude, it was as if he was starting into space.  So Pray for me as I attempt to up my interest factor this week.  Suggestions welcome.  

Violet nesting

Momma nesting

So Much Snow the last 2 weeks!

35 weeks

I thought I remembered him measuring big around 32 weeks.  But at 34 weeks she said he was measuring small and that at 33 weeks he had just been 45th percentile.  So I will ask for some clarification on that all tomorrow. I think that it is possible he has "dropped" and so the measurement isn't completely accurate?!

She's about to start her first season of soccer.  Watch out world.  She's got game.
(she'd rather take pictures than kick)
(she found mommas spa socks and wore them better than I ever have!)

More bread.  Because.

Quiet time: reading and talking on the phone

Our sad face of the day.  He woke up under the weather, and went farther and farther down hill as the day progressed.  He went to bed with a stuffy nose, swollen glands, a 101 temperature, Night time decongestant and Tylenol.  Any advice for tomorrow is appreciated!