wincing whining and weeping

This is my first baby.

Baby Boy. Bugaboo. Buddy.

Momma prefers Benjamin Edward.

Violet prefers Benj.

We all call him Buddy.

This is my second babe.

She fits the title of Violet Ann Eloise more beautifully than I could have hoped for,

however, for 4.5 years she has answered to "pickles", "Vi", "Violet Ann" and most commonly, "Baby".

We are two parents who are thankful for GRACE in parenting, beyond blessed with offspring with whit and humor and taken aback by the chance to fall in love with another little human very shortly.  But this little human, just like the first babes, will change life forever!

Currently however, I wince in pain as Baby Bear burrows his head and hits my nervous system causing me pain only comparable to labor (only much more electric MUCH shorter and more frequent)...I whine about my sciatic nerve alerting me of its presence and chastising me for too much activity in the day...and as I whine further still about the timing of my husbands huge load at school, I also find myself weeping. I wept in the library yesterday as Violet begged me to measure her while I was quickly trying to screen a "big sister" book to prep her for the change ahead.  On the first couple pages the elder sibling made cries such as "I used to be 'baby'", and "when Momma shouted for 'baby' she used to be talking about me." 

I fell apart, quickly shoved that book back in the side cart, and eagerly distracted myself with her measurements. This of course led to more weeping as I stood in amazement at how big my baby was! 

My Benjamin Edward will be 6 next month. His jaw is growing so big it looks like he has lost teeth because of the massive space between his baby teeth! He can pour his own cereal and milk. He reads, and corrects me on facts. Frequently.

And Violet. My baby. If you would have asked me about the nick name "baby" at ANY stage of my life before Violet, I would have gagged and assured you that was not for me or anyone with good taste. But somehow it happened and thats who she is, and I love it. I love this baby we are about to meet face to face, but I am not comfortable with him stealing this title! Its currently taken by the most adorable funniest, blonde haired girl that I have ever met, and she isn't allowed to give it away! She wept tonight as I tucked her in, declaring that she didn't want to cuddle with Daddy only on special nights, but she wanted to cuddle with him EVERY night (Law Review has been tough!).  I'm teary just thinking of trying to divide our time with this newcomer, this miraculous intruder with an equivalent need for attention, a charisma and heart that will take no effort to love and little man that must be destined for such incredible things.  I want all of those things but I'm just in awe of how it is possible for all that to happen and keep the rest of our nest whole.

So I am 37.5 weeks pregnant. I long to have this baby yesterday and torture myself by thinking every contraction, every pain and every everything is a sign of labor drawing near. But reality is that I could have these signs for 3.5 more weeks and still be days away from labor. It is a sign that the final push is approaching, but not indicator of how quickly that event will take place. And as desperately as I wish to meet this little man whom God has so graciously protected on this rocky road of pregnancy I want to chose patients. More time to hear about Benjamin's crazy dreams in the morning. More time to catch glimpses of Violet playing librarian by herself as she waits for Benjamin to finish whatever he is doing (side note: she thinks you have to pay for library books.  #momma=finequeen #libraryrookie #shelovesstacking). More time to love the life I have now, before I love the one I'm about to have.

This memory's lane has left me oh so sad and nostalgic but also left me so very excited!  I forgot how funny both of these little people have been since their first year. I forgot how stinking cute and chubby my love bugs are. I forgot how I had no concept of the depth of loving either of them until the moment they arrived and now know the emptiness I would feel without them!  It will be the same with Bear. He will fill our hearts where we didn't know there were cracks. He will entertain us when were for sure we too busy for anything more. He will be chubby, and cute and show me how much I need Jesus as well as how incredible it is that Jesus loves me more than I love our little family.  I'm so excited to meet him. #patientlyexcitedlycontent

now, I shall go look through more pictures while shedding a few more very hormonal tears. 

Goodnight