Another Day, Another Post

I have a sliiiight problem.  I am afraid that I am, and don't want to be, obsessive about my limitations. ..the lack of house work I can do, the uneasiness of asking for help, the embarrassment of a house not put together when people come over, the guilt of doing too much when I feel my abdomen contract.

I'm afraid that I'm thinking about them too much and not dealing with them.  My lightbulb moment tonight is that my back is feeling mostly better, but I am still supposed to act like it felt on that first day.  My Doctor suggests I do no non essential activity -  to stop the bleeding and stop contracting.  And my epiphany is that this is possibly a 26 week reality.  So rather than mope about not doing things, I'm on a quest to find ways to get stuff done.  Ways to bring school to the couch. To re-organize the kids toys so their beautiful imaginative play doesn't require 3 hours of pick up.  And how to create a puzzle board/table so that eating is possible without spilling over hours of hard work!

If any of you organizationally blessed individuals were just enlightened with creative ideas of how to have such organization in my small space...get your buns over here and help!  until then, I'll be on pinterest cooking up so amazing plans. :)

JOY

Hey ya'll.  Don't judge me for my quantity of posts.  My activities of late include time in the Word, football, puzzles, occasional trips to the potty and posts.  It would include a lot more reading to Benjamin and Violet, but I always say something like this: "Momma wants to read books!  Go make your bed and pick out as many as you want." and the chore seems to turn into quite the fan fare as Benjamin hops around yelling, "for every job that must be done there are things of fun", and the haven't quite seemed to make it back to me for book time :)

This post is to take note of Joy in the last 24+ hours.  Let me name a couple reasons why...

• I haven't bled since Sunday morning.  This is the longest stretch in a month.  A.MA.ZING.
• Benjamin and Violet haven't fought more than one or two crabby sentences all day...and maybe even longer.  Their obedience of mommas requests isn't spot on, but mostly because they start having fun, and no attempt to focus.  Having Daddy home this afternoon and tonight hopefully helped that!
• My community is beyond exceptional.  I'm starting to receive some offers to help with meals, and getting some help to pop over and help with pick up, or B & V or laundry...etc.  The Village is amazing as is my Trinity Church Family.  
• This dull ache is great to prevent me from over doing it.  I make it a to get a drink or go to the bathroom before I'm done.  And if thats whats best for baby, then I'm glad for it
• All four of us LOVE to do puzzles.  We just got done with a 500 piece and just started a 200 piece.  It is my favorite.  It makes conversations flow and is such a home mood booster. (maybe thats because the essential oil diffuser is close to the puzzle table!)  Its so fun.
• Violet is her Daddy's girl.  Meaning that no one can make her laugh like Daddy, and she is the only one who makes us laugh as hard as Daddy.  Her puzzle enthusiasm waxes and wanes but she seldom leaves the table, rather just sits at the end cracking jokes and making Benjamin erupt with the deepest belly laugh and its not long before I have joined in the chorus of giggles. 
• My giant bit of Joy for this evening is my husband who's schedule is at its climax of business,  but takes time to snuggle with B and V and washed all of my day old dishes.  He's more than just a keeper :) 
• And lastly God has been faithful to help me see his faithful care, and kept my baby healthy.  

I'm in pain, and I'm a little curious for the next two weeks of my inabilities and Joels demands, but I am filled with Joy that as Joel said, "He thought us worthy of the challenge", and I get to watch and see how He shows his love.  

I'm exhausted, and hope you have a great night!

drama part 5

I wrote just a short while ago that I was planning on calling today to check on my activity level recommendations.  That WAS the plan.  Then around 8:00, before 8:15 when the office opens, I bent over to get my offspring breakfast.  As I reached back to the far corner of the fridge I sneezed (a pregnancy symptom of anything I smell).  It was a mighty force, and I suddenly found myself on all fours, partly in the fridge, and unable to move.  I tried to crawl, but my back was in such disarray that I yelled for Benjamin to get me my phone.  My first "phone a friend" attempt reached the voicemail, and I quickly hung up and asked my 5 yr old helper to tie up his robe and knock on the neighbors door.  Our sweet neighbor family quickly arrived and helped me to the couch and got the kids OJ.  I was a blubbering mess of anger at the sneeze, comic relief at the seemingly answer to my prayer about knowing how much to say "no", and regret that I just didn't lay low voluntarily the last 4 days without being laid out "flat on my back".

Fast forward 4.5 hours and I am now much better.  I still can't get up and sit down on my own, and my lower back is in enormous amounts of pain, but my spirits are good and I am waiting till my chiropractor gets back from lunch to get adjusted.

I talked to my OB and barring mobility returns to this hot mess of a lady, she clarified my functioning instructions.  SIT when my stomach begins tightening/contracting, and do less than I am.  If someone else can run errands, stay home.  Chose 5 or 10 minute prep dinners over 50 minute dinners.  Give instructions to the kids to pick up their room, but don't do it myself.  DO LESS.

So there we have it.  I don't like it.  But i'm grateful for this babe, and grateful for friends and family and for the Divine sneeze that make activity not an option.  Annoyed, but grateful.

resting and (w)riting

I think I last wrote EARLY Saturday morning (3:30am?) when my body refused to sleep...Friday was great, Saturday's schedule was packed, but nothing too physically strenuous.

For about a week? (maybe just since Wednesday), I started to feel tweaks and twinges.  Not painful, but not comfortable.  Then in the last 36 hours I started to notice that my stomach felt tight.  At first I celebrated because I associated it with feeling/looking like I was actually pregnant and not like I ate too many rolls.  But this morning I processed that it wasn't a constant feeling.  I would be aware of it, and then 5 or 10 minutes later it would be gone.  After lunch I did laundry and picked up a few rooms and notice it felt super tight.  I sat down and after a while it dissipated.  I started to look through the paperwork the hospital had sent me home with, and of course it was all generic things I had already read on "the bump" and "what to expect".  But I saw a code to access my chart on line, and checked it out.  Much to my dismay, there were no pictures of Ultrasounds or personal instructions (specifics about my activity level or a reminder of the vague details of the scenario) but I let myself google things about sub chorionic hemorrhaging and the possibilities made my head spin a little more than it has so far...

I guess with large bleeds like this, pre-term labor is a mater of concern, and with a feeling that kept being easily described as "my stomach is contracting, like a balloon got blown up just a bit", it didn't help me relax.

So that has been my Sunday.  I've been pretty stationary for the last few hours and plan do the same tomorrow, as well as call the OB to just get clarification on a few things and to have them help me rest easy about my tightness.  I feel as though I've worried considerable LESS than one normally would in this reality, until today, and now I just need a DR to tell me if the worry has finally caught up with me, or if there is reason to be uneasy.

But on a really happy note, I'm feeling lots of baby kicks...not the kind you can feel from the outside but undeniably movement from my peanut. :) so as concerned as I may be about pre term labor, I am quite confident that this babe is unaware of its non-secure living quarters. :)
Ignorance is bliss I guess :)

Friday for the Win

I already shared that Thursday and I didn't do well at taking it easy, but what I didn't share was how grouchy I was at my kiddos and how disobedient they were in return. It was awful! I like to grade myself ( usually when talking to Joel) and usually I give myself A+s except when I'm terrible I get demoted to an A...well thursday was an F.

Well despite my lack of necessary prayer I must have had some intercession because after Thursday it was like Friday was wrapped in Gold and kept getting better.  We woke up to an eager 5 yr old begging daddy to go fishing, and as soon as the boys left Violet and I got busy painting some lady bugs on her fingers and toes:) than we read about half a dozen books and sat down and worked on the ongoing 500 pice puzzle hat has taken over our table! The boys brought back some coffee and treats and after more puzzling the kids and I went on the most relaxed 3 hour errand trip ever.  I have cancelled most things on the calendar for a few days/weeks so we lolligagged around the dollar store, mailed some packages and spent over an hour in walmart.  It wasn't horizontal rest, but it was slow and stress free. We came back with Clorox bleach wipes and kids eager to comply to a deal to get out of quiet time: clean for mom and I'll read books and do puzzle with you instead of naps. Win for all:)

Then after a sweet time with my littles my friend popped over and moved some heavy things for me(the clutter in my house was driving me batty) and I sat with the kids at the park.  Our sitter arrived at 5:00 and Joel and I got a night out for dinner to process the week and actually get quality time that wasn't car time on the way to an ultrasound! (Those have been our date activity for about a month! Joel had a talk with me and peanut that we could stop having emergencies in I order to get attention.HA!)
Our favorite babysitter and friend had the kids all ready for bed when we got home and after a couple dishes, we relaxed on the couch and went to bed early! Maybe not as activity free as some would advise but it was good getting out of the house so it's projects weren't "yelling at me" and great to hang out with my children without a time crunch and hollering for them to hurry.  Instead I got to shuffle around walmart while eating fresh baked bread for lunch - that we hadn't yet bought, and sit at the puzzle table for QT laughing with Benjamin while we listened to Violets pretend story about her toy alligator comforting her puzzle pieces that she would try to make it not hurt when she ate them:)

Here's to day 2 (Saturday) of going places to sit and relax.
(Physical update: still bleeding and it's brighter than I would like, but it's not heavy)

#cantwaitforthursday #thursdayequalsultrasoundcheckup

Strike One

"Take it easy"  and "Don't do anything you don't have to" may be the most cruel suggestions by a physician to a patient.  "Stay in Bed", is hard but understandable.  "Don't exert yourself" is imaginable...But don't do anything you don't have to"??????

Well, I failed today.  I was afraid that I just imagined the doctor didn't want me to do anything, and my pride cringed at the thought that I would sit on the couch for the week, and when I go check in next thursday, they would snicker that I had been so unnecessarily lazy. I completely distorted my husbands instructions of "don't go on walks, and don't lift anything more than 10 lbs", and instead heard, "Do everything except exercising and heavy lifting...".  (I honestly have a weird pregnancy habit of hearing 10% of what people actually say, and 90% of what I fear they said)

To my credit, I did ask a friends help to move furniture to vacuum, and I took about 1.5 hrs to read/nap and I realized my errors of the day and have been sitting since 8:00pm. But my sore abdomen and uneasy feeling, have called for a public admission of guilt and a promise to my little one to do "as little as possible" tomorrow. So heres to Mission: Baby Growing.  I will accept my mission, and try to be good at it :)

Its Complicated

This morning we had a little more activity than we normally prefer.  It started pretty average with littles hopping in my bed earlier than preferred, a shower for Mom, imaginative play for B and V, and oatmeal for breakfast.  We got dressed (which was exciting because the dryer was full of a jackpot full of new clothes we scored yesterday at a thrift store) and we started to go over some bible verses while making our beds.

Right before Ephesians 6:1, I felt a gush of blood, and hollered for the kids to sing the "Obey your Parents" song, and ran to the bathroom.  For those who don't know, I'm 13 weeks pregnant and have been bleeding for quite some time.  After 4 ultrasounds we were resting assured that it was possibly subchorionic bleeding,(an unharmful pocket of blood that develops at the time of implantation) and more likely a Vanishing Twin (pregnancy which is healthy, but the placenta is split - which only happens with twins, and bleeding and miscarriage take place during the healthy pregnancy).  The bleeding was not harming the baby, just a result of my body expelling from a "safe" pocket of blood, or an early miscarriage of a twin.

Well the blood changed color this morning, and the bright red gushing took me from the toilet to the couch while on the phone with my OB.  I left a message with a receptionist and called for the kids to bring their school books to me in the living room.  My incredible kids got started quietly and surprisingly independently on their workbooks and I text Joel about the morning.  The nurse called, and had me schedule an apt and ultrasound for 2:00 in the afternoon.  I agreed and continued talking the kids through school.  About 15 minutes later I felt another gush, and 15 minutes later, another, and I then realized I was filling around 3 pads in 40 minutes, and in non-understandable tears, I called the office and let them know I really didn't think I could wait till 2:00.  She asked a few questions, and urged me to hurry to the ER.  Joel left class early and biked furiously (fast, not angry) home in the rain and mud, and my incredible community of friends rushed over to bring me pads, pray with me on the toilet, and take care of my kids.

So we got to the ER, they wheeled me to my room (every time I stepped I could feel my body gushing) and they changed me into a gown, took some vitals and did a pelvic exam.  We weren't told much information at that time, except that I did not seem to be dilated. (which gave us hope that I was indeed not miscarrying.)  I requested many times to have someone come in to listen for a heartbeat, but with so many people carrying for you requests get lost in the shuffle and the doppler never came.  My veins are small and slightly invisible, so taking blood was another terrible experience, and then finally I got taken back for an ultrasound.  This was the low spot in visit, because #1) no one is allowed to go back with you at an ER ultrasound #2) the Ultrasound tech is not allowed to tell you anything about the scan.  They turn the screen, and will not tell you what they see.  I asked if she could just tell me if there was a heartbeat, and she wouldn't.  Then I asked if she could just blink or wink if there was a heartbeat. and she did not comply.  So then they wheeled me back to Joel and we waited...for another hour.

Finally, a sweet nurse (the one who couldn't draw blood)  brought in a doppler machine to listen for a heartbeat.  Well either the baby was insanely wiggly, or the equipment was faulty, but we couldn't actually hear one, but on the screen a heart rate from 154-174 registered, so it was a little added peace ( I think the nurse felt bad for hurting me so badly when she tried to find my veins! She also peaked at my chart, and told me that I couldn't tell anyone, but she saw the phrases fetal heartbeat and subchorionic bleed:)  After a short wait, the guy who did my pelvic exam came in, and told us that the baby seemed healthy and I needed to wait for the OB to come talk about the specifics.  She came and gave us the "unknown details..."

As far as we can tell, Baby is very healthy.  we measured 14 weeks today which doesn't move my due date, but assures us that even though this Placenta seems to be damaged, the baby is getting all the nutrients it needs and then some :)  That is the very great news.  The less than great news is, that they don't have clarity why I'm bleeding, and why I'm not bleeding out and then stopping.  Nor do they know why after being dark and slow, it returned to gushing red, and continues to do so.  My blood work came back great (Phew, after all the hard work of getting it!) and I'm not anemic even after my blood loss.  There is no prognosis, not terms for whats happening and no normal expectations of what happens next.  She was clear that miscarriage is not out of the question in the upcoming weeks, and that something is happening we just don't know what.  She also stressed that this baby is VERY healthy.  He/She does not seem to be effected by whats happening in my body AT ALL. And that is where we can focus our emotions.

After ALL this uncertainty and frustration, and sometimes fear, there is such peace in knowing the One that is not baffled by my body.  I mean, He made it.  And He made my baby, and maybe even made its twin that is with Him, and the baby that went to be with Him before that, and my two gorgeous babies that I get to snuggle with every morning.  He is not stressed by my bleeding, and He is not confused when He looks at ultrasounds.  His ways are not my ways, and they are purposefully perfect.

So thanks be to God for that Beautiful fast heartbeat (that we didn't even get to see or hear after 3 hours in the ER), and for a husband who is soo very patient, and flexible kids, and the best circle of friends who love my family almost as much as their own, and for so many who prayed from far away.  Those prayers were undoubtably heard and He used those prayers to heal my heart.

For those of you who read through all that babble.  I Love You!  Please keep praying!

funnies

Benjamin and Violet are pretty funny right now.  Here are some of their crazy conversations:

ME - Goodnight Violet
V - Momma, I have to tell you something...I want to cuddle with you in the morning
ME - I can't wait Violet, goodnight
V - Momma, I want to tell you something else...I want to follow you around go wherever you go
Me - But I want to follow YOU around!  Goodnight!
V - Momma*interruption by me*
ME - Violet, I love you. stop talking.

ME - Benjamin what are you doing?
B - Noth'n
ME -  Whats in your mouth?
B - Noth'n
ME - take it out
Me - what was that?
B - I don't know.
ME - Where did it come from?
B - I was just pick'n my nose
ME - (closes the door and contemplates throwing up)

Daddy - Here let me show you...
B - Momma doesn't like that
Daddy - We just won't tell momma
B - Thats what me and Violet say sometimes

V- momma, you do you know everything?
ME - Not quite.
V - I knew that
ME - How did you know that?
V - Cause only God knows everything.  And Daddy knows more stuff, but He doesn't even know as much as God, right?

B- Momma, where's Daddy?
ME - He went for a run
B - to get his energies out?
ME - Kind of!  He wanted to go exercise.
B - Momma, have you EVER exercised?