Its Complicated

This morning we had a little more activity than we normally prefer.  It started pretty average with littles hopping in my bed earlier than preferred, a shower for Mom, imaginative play for B and V, and oatmeal for breakfast.  We got dressed (which was exciting because the dryer was full of a jackpot full of new clothes we scored yesterday at a thrift store) and we started to go over some bible verses while making our beds.

Right before Ephesians 6:1, I felt a gush of blood, and hollered for the kids to sing the "Obey your Parents" song, and ran to the bathroom.  For those who don't know, I'm 13 weeks pregnant and have been bleeding for quite some time.  After 4 ultrasounds we were resting assured that it was possibly subchorionic bleeding,(an unharmful pocket of blood that develops at the time of implantation) and more likely a Vanishing Twin (pregnancy which is healthy, but the placenta is split - which only happens with twins, and bleeding and miscarriage take place during the healthy pregnancy).  The bleeding was not harming the baby, just a result of my body expelling from a "safe" pocket of blood, or an early miscarriage of a twin.

Well the blood changed color this morning, and the bright red gushing took me from the toilet to the couch while on the phone with my OB.  I left a message with a receptionist and called for the kids to bring their school books to me in the living room.  My incredible kids got started quietly and surprisingly independently on their workbooks and I text Joel about the morning.  The nurse called, and had me schedule an apt and ultrasound for 2:00 in the afternoon.  I agreed and continued talking the kids through school.  About 15 minutes later I felt another gush, and 15 minutes later, another, and I then realized I was filling around 3 pads in 40 minutes, and in non-understandable tears, I called the office and let them know I really didn't think I could wait till 2:00.  She asked a few questions, and urged me to hurry to the ER.  Joel left class early and biked furiously (fast, not angry) home in the rain and mud, and my incredible community of friends rushed over to bring me pads, pray with me on the toilet, and take care of my kids.

So we got to the ER, they wheeled me to my room (every time I stepped I could feel my body gushing) and they changed me into a gown, took some vitals and did a pelvic exam.  We weren't told much information at that time, except that I did not seem to be dilated. (which gave us hope that I was indeed not miscarrying.)  I requested many times to have someone come in to listen for a heartbeat, but with so many people carrying for you requests get lost in the shuffle and the doppler never came.  My veins are small and slightly invisible, so taking blood was another terrible experience, and then finally I got taken back for an ultrasound.  This was the low spot in visit, because #1) no one is allowed to go back with you at an ER ultrasound #2) the Ultrasound tech is not allowed to tell you anything about the scan.  They turn the screen, and will not tell you what they see.  I asked if she could just tell me if there was a heartbeat, and she wouldn't.  Then I asked if she could just blink or wink if there was a heartbeat. and she did not comply.  So then they wheeled me back to Joel and we waited...for another hour.

Finally, a sweet nurse (the one who couldn't draw blood)  brought in a doppler machine to listen for a heartbeat.  Well either the baby was insanely wiggly, or the equipment was faulty, but we couldn't actually hear one, but on the screen a heart rate from 154-174 registered, so it was a little added peace ( I think the nurse felt bad for hurting me so badly when she tried to find my veins! She also peaked at my chart, and told me that I couldn't tell anyone, but she saw the phrases fetal heartbeat and subchorionic bleed:)  After a short wait, the guy who did my pelvic exam came in, and told us that the baby seemed healthy and I needed to wait for the OB to come talk about the specifics.  She came and gave us the "unknown details..."

As far as we can tell, Baby is very healthy.  we measured 14 weeks today which doesn't move my due date, but assures us that even though this Placenta seems to be damaged, the baby is getting all the nutrients it needs and then some :)  That is the very great news.  The less than great news is, that they don't have clarity why I'm bleeding, and why I'm not bleeding out and then stopping.  Nor do they know why after being dark and slow, it returned to gushing red, and continues to do so.  My blood work came back great (Phew, after all the hard work of getting it!) and I'm not anemic even after my blood loss.  There is no prognosis, not terms for whats happening and no normal expectations of what happens next.  She was clear that miscarriage is not out of the question in the upcoming weeks, and that something is happening we just don't know what.  She also stressed that this baby is VERY healthy.  He/She does not seem to be effected by whats happening in my body AT ALL. And that is where we can focus our emotions.

After ALL this uncertainty and frustration, and sometimes fear, there is such peace in knowing the One that is not baffled by my body.  I mean, He made it.  And He made my baby, and maybe even made its twin that is with Him, and the baby that went to be with Him before that, and my two gorgeous babies that I get to snuggle with every morning.  He is not stressed by my bleeding, and He is not confused when He looks at ultrasounds.  His ways are not my ways, and they are purposefully perfect.

So thanks be to God for that Beautiful fast heartbeat (that we didn't even get to see or hear after 3 hours in the ER), and for a husband who is soo very patient, and flexible kids, and the best circle of friends who love my family almost as much as their own, and for so many who prayed from far away.  Those prayers were undoubtably heard and He used those prayers to heal my heart.

For those of you who read through all that babble.  I Love You!  Please keep praying!