Pray without ceasing

Prayer has always confused me a little bit. Especially cooperate prayer. Did my prayer sound too selfish? Am I being to American/and praying for comfort Instead of praying for lives to come to know Jesus? Should I just always pray that His will be done. Period. That way I don't have to worry about if I prayed for the right thing or not...
Well right now im in a state of constent prayer in my personal life and I can't tell you the Joy and Peace it is giving me. constant conversations with my Father about His goodness. So when I thought about posting something about asking for prayer it surprised me when I hesitsted so. Should I ask for what I want? Should I ask that Gods will be done? Does the first sound too greedy? Does the second sound like a lack of trust that it could happen?
Well after some early morning thoughts, this is what I came up with: God is good. He loves his children. He loves blessing us when our hearts are in line with his Will. His will is for many to come to the saving knowledge of him, and his desire is to have a relationship with me and use us For his will. I do want Gods will to be done. I want His will, and Im pleading with him to help Joel dominate this test.
Weve sought Gods will more than ever the last three years of our lives. And we believe with gusto that God called our little family to VA to learn more about himself, to walk closer with Him and for my husband to capitalize on a skill set Gid equipped him with to make him excell at being an incredible attorney.
And now, after the physical and emotional 3 yr journey of a life time we can say we went to VA, got closer to Jesus and my husband dominated law school..  We've sought him in each decision we've come to and its brought us here. To the MN Bar. And as I sit here 3 hours before Joel answers the first question on this insane test. I want to boldly pray that God completes this journey for us. That he rewards Joel for obeying this calling and that He finishes this training so He can use his degree for His glory.
So please pray with me. From 8:30-4:30 today and tomorrow. Pray that Joel finds Joy in this part of the journey. Pray that he is confident and at peace. And pray that he destroys this test with excellence!

4 month old Bear Cub

Friends, This little man is so incredible. He's somehow four months & I love him so much.

Silas David/Si/Bear...he has been such a gift to us. A perfect distraction from the Bar. And an easy distraction at that.  

Lately life is even more abnormal for the Lewicki's, and one might think that adding a newborn to the mix would be troublesome. But really quite the opposite. He's been such a joy to me as I navigate life while Joel studies.  His smile stops me dead in my tracks. every. time. He giggles lots and just loves life!

Despite my efforts, he's a light sleeper during naps, and if I really want/need him to take a good nap, I just put him in his swing.  He sleeps much longer in there vs the bassinet.  His first three months I laid him down awake for his nap, but this last month we had many disruptions in his schedule (4th of july festivities, out of town visitors etc etc) so sometimes I pat him to sleep, sometimes I nurse him, and lots of times I just use the swing.  we have more traveling in August so I don't have plans to regulate his naps anytime soon. I usually just make sure he goes down about 1 hr and 15 minutes after I feed him.  Its working pretty well so far!

Did I mention he smiles ALL the time and has started giggling more and more. He's found his hands and has one tooth threatening to pop through. lil tooth bud=crazy drool. and his hands are in his mouth quite a bit. He usually takes 2 long naps and one or two short naps a day. The last two months he would go to bed around 8:30 and sleep until 7:00. But I think we may be switching to an earlier bed time.  He doesn't take an evening nap well, and 7-8 is a sad time for him when he's so tired.  So last night I put him to bed around 7:30, but then had to feed him around 4:30am. He went back to bed untill 7:15am and I wouldn't mind this set up except it is VERY hard for me to go back to sleep at 4:45.  (imagine Anna when she declares, "The suns awake so I'm awake!") but really I have no complaints. It's been pretty smooth sailing.

He likes to be "surprised" if he sees it coming(peek a boo and such), and he LOVES being tickled. He does like momma A LOT, but he's not nearly as attached as Violet was.  Thank goodness. He's talking more and has no interest in rolling over. He loves to be swaddled for sleep and I'm pretty sure its going to stunt his motor skill development...and I'm really ok with that! (no rolling means no crawling which means no baby proofing!)

Hes also great at traveling although I think the super easy days are almost over. His awake time is longer and longer and his eye hand coordination isn't great enough to enjoy toys much. He hasn't cried too much in the car yet, but I just sense he's about to make us more aware he's around!

Eating goes pretty well for this lil Bear, but he's anything but regular. He sometimes eats and eats and eats, but most times after nursing 5 minutes on one side, he just stops and has the biggest open mouth smile.  I'll shove myself in to try to get his belly fuller in hopes of a great nap time, but it just makes him giggle and its pure mockery of momma by an infant!  if it weren't scandalous I'd take a video. Sadly, not being regular has meant mastitis for me a couple times, but I can usually detect the onset pretty well, (the flu like feeling and body pain/leg aches) and have been able to treat it without medication!

Well thats about it for our Silas. He eats. He sleeps. He smiles. The end.

Bnjmn 4 months/18+ lbs

Violet 4 months/14 lbs

Silas 4 months/16 lbs

first hair cut

Silas Part Three

Silas arrived without much fanfare Tuesday the 24th. Little pain. Few Contractions. No real complications. And he might have been the easiest baby of all times had it not been for his first few hours of crying (excess mucus) and first 24 hour nursing boycott.  He made it quite apparent that he loved to sleep which made conscious activities such as nursing quite difficult. Even when he was a wake he would open his mouth with no interest in sucking.  SO SO THANKFUL that he is my third baby and that I was able to slightly tune out nurses nervous questions and comments when I would let him sleep 4 hours straight, or when they would panic that my nursing log only had "attempts" and not successes.  God gave me a priceless gift of a calm spirit and I think it helped Silas be able to stay calm too.  The second day in the hospital I made sure to get in contact with the lactation consultant and she was AMAZING.  My lactation nurses with Benjamin hadn't been that great, and with Violet I can't remember...But this sweet lady was heaven sent. She focused on encouragement and acted as if I was the only one in the hospital. I remember very little advice she gave me, however the feeling of being fully capable and more than competent at my task of feeding lil Bear was worth more than Gold.  We had two great feedings before we left the hospital (much less than the doctors would have liked, but more than I've ever had with either Benjamin or Violet).  

Silas first night at the hospital is a fuzzy memory, but I remember asking the nurse to take him to the nursery in the middle of the night. He was so sad, and I was so tired and afraid I was going to drop him.  Sadly she brought him back after an hour and told me he wasn't happy there either (I was kind of bitter at the nurse), and in desperation to close my eyes, I tucked Silas in bed with me and got a few hours of sleep! I think most of the mucus had cleared by the second night and we all got much more sleep.  

On the last morning (Thursday) Joel had to go to class, and my amazing momma was home with Benjamin and Violet so Silas and I just slept and practiced nursing all morning.  It was a relaxed morning (before exhaustion set in) and Joel came back to bring us home around lunch time. We grabbed some gas for the car and coffee for our tired selves, and thats how we started the new chapter of life as a family with 5 heads under our roof.

Bear part Two

Where were we?  Oh yes.  8:59 and I walk up to the check in counter and they ask my name and what I'm there for.  I simply said that I thought I was going to have a baby today, and they asked me what made me think that.  My stomach sank and I muttered that I had had painful contractions that were kind of close together, but they weren't any more.  The ladies took their sweet time checking me in and after 20 or 30 minutes (and just 2 contractions) they led me to the triage room.

We had to have been back there for 30-60 minutes.  I don't remember.  I just remember apologizing to Joel if I wasn't really in labor, and therefore wasting his time, and then I remember declaring that I wasn't going to stress and be sorry any more because when I was having the contractions it really seemed like I was in labor, but then in between them it didn't and although my pride didn't want to be wrong, it was impossible to make decisions in that state!

After a few nurses showed confusion over my lack of contractions, a third nurse came in and decided to check me for dilation ect...  She suddenly became quite bewildered and said that things weren't adding up.  She shared that she thought I was a 7 but then started talking about how she just got back from Vacation and she might have forgot a thing or two. She went to get another nurse for confirmation.  Well, that nurse said I was a 7 or 8 and they both looked at me confused.  They said I was right about thinking I was having a baby today, and they needed to go talk to the doctor to see what he wanted me to do.  My body seemed confused on the natural order of events.

The doctor encouraged me to get an epidural, and then they would break my water and hope that my contractions would follow.  So we went ahead with the epidural, had to get a quick shot after about 15 minutes when my blood pressure dropped (it was the worst heavy chest/need to puke feeling), and then Joel and I asked if we could just close our eyes for a few minutes before they broke my water.  They said no problem, and we would have gotten great rest had it not been for a chatty student who showed up.  Dr Bell soon came in to break my water and then things got exciting.

Pause a second.  I need to give a moment credit to my amazing head nurse, and anesthesiologist. My nurse could have delivered me, and almost did, and I would have been fully confident.  And my epidural was great.  It wasn't completely numbing and although the pain surprised me, I preferred it greatly over the experience of feeling fully numb with Benjamin.

Ok, back to the water breaking.  They thought things were going to move crazy fast after they broke it, but it didn't. My contractions didn't speed up that quickly but finally I was a 9, and after she had me tilt to the left while I was laying down, I jumped to a 10 and baby started to come ready or not.
The doctor arrived in minutes, and after a minute and a half of pushing they put this beautiful baby boy on my chest.

Silas David Barrett Lewicki was 7 lbs 7 oz and 19 inches long.  He had no interest in nuzzling to nurse like all the skin to skin/Kangaroo Care literature says will happen.  He amazed mommy and daddy with how perfect he looked.  Completely his own handsome self, but yet exactly like his brother and sister had looked.  We were instantly overwhelmed with the priveledge of holding him in our arms and completely and utterly in love.

He could not fit more perfectly in our family.  It took him a little bit to be sure about this world and an excess of mucus in his system made him cry and cough for about 3 hour, and not really nurse for over 24 hours. Benjamin and Violet got to meet their little brother around 6:30 that night and although my memory is fuzzy, the pictures show they too were overwhelmed with love and excitement.

To say were were/are thankful is such an understatement. That thankfulness almost disabled me from being able to write this love story. Fear that I wouldn't convey my gratitude for his life. Sadness for ours and others stories who didn't have this ending. Responsibility to express Joy amongst so many hard and stressful realities in life right now. But a love story it is, and one I need to remember.  We hope it is a love story we never take for granted.

Bear part ONE

This post seems late doesn't it?  Tomorrow my sweet baby Bear will be Three weeks old.  Between a poor memory, the loss of the freshness of his birth, fatigue, unquantifiable amounts of things running around my head and more fatigue I cannot recall Tuesday March 24 with high amounts of accuracy, but I will try...

Friday Night, the 20th Joel and I went to the Barristers Ball. I joked I wanted to dance Bear out, and in my head I was much more serious than joking, but alas the night came and went and my poor dance skills and extra girth prevented a whole lot of jumping and jiving.  Saturday happened and I attended Benjamin and Violets soccer game and after a great quiet time/nap for my babies and I (while daddy worked on law review articles) we quickly made a stop at the library and grocery store.  Sunday was a blur, Church, Costco, baby shower... and Monday...I don't remember Monday.  I'm sure it was a great day;)

Action Time began at 4:29AM Tuesday morning.  At least thats when I started timing contractions. The first hour they were 12 or 13 minutes apart and then at 5:37 they jumped to 6 minutes apart and went between 3 and 8 minutes the next hour and a half.  Around 6:15 I began texting child care options, and I think that sometime between 5:30 and 6:30 I woke Joel up and let him know that I thought we might be meeting our baby soon.  He had only come to bed hours earlier and so I told him to use his time however he thought best, catching up on sleep before the big event or wrapping things up at the office.  He wisely chose sleep!

I woke him up by 7:00 and told him to quick take a shower, because I was ready to go!  Sadly, right after consulting with the OB and having her encourage me to get to the hospital (they always seem alarmed when you're already dilated to a 4) my contractions slowed between 7:11 and 7:41.  I did NOT want to spend all day laboring at the hospital, or worse, to be sent home for false labor so I sent Joel back to bed (or the office) and told him to go wherever he wanted, but to be close enough to take me to the hospital with 10 minutes notice.  God was so gracious and gave Benjamin and Violet the most peaceful compliant attitudes that morning.  They ate their breakfast and stayed at the table to color for an hour, and I bounced on an exercise ball.  At some point, 8:?? my nerves got the best of me, and I woke Joel up saying that my fear of having the baby in the car was winning and I wanted to go to the hospital.  My contractions were mostly under 7 minutes with an occasional 10 minute break, but I was not able to shake the fact that my pain tolerance is higher than my accuracy with recording things.  My neighbor and friend was such a gift and swooped in to love on Benjamin and Violet, and off we went to see about having a baby.

We got to the hospital at 9:59 and we got started with my "non-labor" labor...more on that to follow!

Then and Now

Hey!  I had my 38 week appointment today.  What semi worthless mind games these appointments are! Such excitement but little foresight into reality.

I am dilated to a 4+ and 80% effaced.  She said she would be surprised if I make it to my appointment next week, but I also have a friend who was super dilated and effaced and went close to 2 weeks over due!

I won't lie, It did sound like I would have baby this weekend until I looked at Benjamin and Violets facts.

BENJAMIN EDWARD

12 days before labor

dilated to a 1 or 2 and 80%

VIOLET ANN ELOISE

1 1/2 weeks before induction

dilated to a 2 and 80%

So that tells me effacement % is not an indicator of going this week, and maybe i'm just more dilated because its my third birthing rodeo.  

Also, I am sorry I'm a liar.  As I was looking for pregnancy facts I discovered that this electric feeling that I claim is new for me...yeah, I had it with Benjamin and possibly Violet.  Such a horrible memory/amazing skill at blocking things :)  Also with Benjamin we had the same "measuring too small" scare and he also was just so low they missed most of his head measurement.  So, although there has been a lot of quirks that are unique about this pregnancy, there are a lot of normals as well.  I am flabbergasted at the quantity of life happenings I don't recall.  I need to stop thinking about it, before I start crying!

The most exciting news of the day was when Joel shared that he thinks he'll be done with the bulk of Law Review by Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(I will not apologize for the quantity of exclamation marks!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as excited as I would be to dance this baby out tomorrow night at the Barristers Ball tomorrow night (yes, I'm going to a ball 9 months pregnant), I would really like to wait until next weekend.  Joel would be done with his heaviest of loads, start getting sleep again and get a few hours in at the firm he's working at this semester. We shall see!

Ok, I'm exhausted and I have a big day tomorrow!  Sweet Dreams!

...

When you enjoy talking better than listening (I'm not proud of this reality), you blog instead of watching TV.  It's been the way I am as long as I can remember. I enjoy TV, and I'll watch it, but it seems like such a waste of time, and I almost get mentally prideful that I don't watch it.  Is that because I'm being productive with my time?  Heavens no.  I window shop on line, I play on pinterest, I recipe hunt, I snoop facebook, and I blog.  I should really think about investing in an activity with more "fruit".  But not tonight. Tonight I'll chat again with you about my day and ignore the fact that Joel's not here to be my sounding board. tear. (Blogging fills up my word quota, and I can't say Joel isn't better off not being held captive by my rambling thoughts)

So we have reached a milestone.  I think it was around 34 of 35 weeks that multiple times in the week I got in conversations with people who didn't realize I was pregnant or we had awkward moments of them wanting to say something but not be sure they should be bold and ask.  Then this week happened. :)  The pants I wore 2 weeks ago with the aid of a hair tie hung open as far as my hips warning me that there was no rubber band strong enough to defy gravity and keep those puppies up.  And the dear woman who asked if I was ready to go anytime because I had to be due soon...Or the grocer who asked if I had help at home or if my bags were light enough to ensure I could get them to the door.  I have arrived at the home of "super pregnant" just in time for departure. My Ultrasound tech doubts he will make it to 8 lbs, but I am beginning to wonder.  My pants don't fit, My shirts dont fit and I am ready to not make heavy signing noises when I bend over. But until then...

Lauras Ground Beef was on sale at the grocery store today for $3.30/lb, so I bought 6!  We have a freezer 1/3 full of cuts of meat that have bones and intimidate me, so I was eager to food prep with the comfortability of ground beef.  I made 2 meat loaves (which is a dinner we never eat, but it seemed easy!), taco meat, sweet potato sloppy joe topping, and steak and veggies.  Besides going to the grocery store successfully 2 different times, we also had a last minute meeting this afternoon, went to an additional store looking for homestead creamery milk (the whole town seems to be out!), and stopped at Dairy Queen for free DQ birthday ice cream cones! 

I. Am. Pooped.

Tomorrow shall be fun!  I'm hoping to tackle my bathrooms after school, do a hair cut, maybe wash the car seat straps and spend an afternoon with friends!  We start soccer practice for Benjamin AND Violet tomorrow evening so we are pretty pumped about that, and I get to end the night with a walk through of the hospital's maternity ward.  It sounds far less overwhelming than today was!

On that note, I might go to bed early. Our days have been so full the kids and I's personal alarm clocks haven't been registering morning until between 7 and 8, and I really would like to scoot that up a bit (for myself!  NOT them.) So in attempt to prove the accuracy of early to bed, earlier to rise...Goodnight!

*update: I have been long declaring my preferred due date as March 28 over April 3... but I think I am switching my wishes to March 21.  Just so you know...

i don't enjoy the personally snapped selfie bumps, and I was too tired to stand up, but here's a little glimpse for the records

wincing whining and weeping

This is my first baby.

Baby Boy. Bugaboo. Buddy.

Momma prefers Benjamin Edward.

Violet prefers Benj.

We all call him Buddy.

This is my second babe.

She fits the title of Violet Ann Eloise more beautifully than I could have hoped for,

however, for 4.5 years she has answered to "pickles", "Vi", "Violet Ann" and most commonly, "Baby".

We are two parents who are thankful for GRACE in parenting, beyond blessed with offspring with whit and humor and taken aback by the chance to fall in love with another little human very shortly.  But this little human, just like the first babes, will change life forever!

Currently however, I wince in pain as Baby Bear burrows his head and hits my nervous system causing me pain only comparable to labor (only much more electric MUCH shorter and more frequent)...I whine about my sciatic nerve alerting me of its presence and chastising me for too much activity in the day...and as I whine further still about the timing of my husbands huge load at school, I also find myself weeping. I wept in the library yesterday as Violet begged me to measure her while I was quickly trying to screen a "big sister" book to prep her for the change ahead.  On the first couple pages the elder sibling made cries such as "I used to be 'baby'", and "when Momma shouted for 'baby' she used to be talking about me." 

I fell apart, quickly shoved that book back in the side cart, and eagerly distracted myself with her measurements. This of course led to more weeping as I stood in amazement at how big my baby was! 

My Benjamin Edward will be 6 next month. His jaw is growing so big it looks like he has lost teeth because of the massive space between his baby teeth! He can pour his own cereal and milk. He reads, and corrects me on facts. Frequently.

And Violet. My baby. If you would have asked me about the nick name "baby" at ANY stage of my life before Violet, I would have gagged and assured you that was not for me or anyone with good taste. But somehow it happened and thats who she is, and I love it. I love this baby we are about to meet face to face, but I am not comfortable with him stealing this title! Its currently taken by the most adorable funniest, blonde haired girl that I have ever met, and she isn't allowed to give it away! She wept tonight as I tucked her in, declaring that she didn't want to cuddle with Daddy only on special nights, but she wanted to cuddle with him EVERY night (Law Review has been tough!).  I'm teary just thinking of trying to divide our time with this newcomer, this miraculous intruder with an equivalent need for attention, a charisma and heart that will take no effort to love and little man that must be destined for such incredible things.  I want all of those things but I'm just in awe of how it is possible for all that to happen and keep the rest of our nest whole.

So I am 37.5 weeks pregnant. I long to have this baby yesterday and torture myself by thinking every contraction, every pain and every everything is a sign of labor drawing near. But reality is that I could have these signs for 3.5 more weeks and still be days away from labor. It is a sign that the final push is approaching, but not indicator of how quickly that event will take place. And as desperately as I wish to meet this little man whom God has so graciously protected on this rocky road of pregnancy I want to chose patients. More time to hear about Benjamin's crazy dreams in the morning. More time to catch glimpses of Violet playing librarian by herself as she waits for Benjamin to finish whatever he is doing (side note: she thinks you have to pay for library books.  #momma=finequeen #libraryrookie #shelovesstacking). More time to love the life I have now, before I love the one I'm about to have.

This memory's lane has left me oh so sad and nostalgic but also left me so very excited!  I forgot how funny both of these little people have been since their first year. I forgot how stinking cute and chubby my love bugs are. I forgot how I had no concept of the depth of loving either of them until the moment they arrived and now know the emptiness I would feel without them!  It will be the same with Bear. He will fill our hearts where we didn't know there were cracks. He will entertain us when were for sure we too busy for anything more. He will be chubby, and cute and show me how much I need Jesus as well as how incredible it is that Jesus loves me more than I love our little family.  I'm so excited to meet him. #patientlyexcitedlycontent

now, I shall go look through more pictures while shedding a few more very hormonal tears. 

Goodnight

  

More from Violet

Violet Quote: "Daddy, sometimes when you smile at me it makes me feel like its my birthday...It makes me so happy."

record keeping details

In the excitement of the day I forgot to record a couple of details.  Bear is about 6.5 lbs and 55% for his gestational age.  He had his first photo op with no interest of impressing us with anything besides his stats.  He is so low and sizable that good ultrasounds are tricky, but they were impossible when he decided to cover his face with his hands, and sometimes his hands and feet...the WHOLE time.  She even procrastinated a while waiting for him to move positions (movement has NEVER been a problem) but he was having NONE of it.  She didn't want to predict if I would be likely to go into labor early, but she did say that it was very unlikely that I would have an 8 lb baby.  She guesses 7.5 (and that makes me think she estimates 2 weeks).

I thought they would check effacement and dilation today but because I am 36 and 5 days, and not 37 she wasn't going to without my specific request.  And now that I know he's growing well, I want him to wait 2 more weeks, so the less interference the better! (as hard as it was to turn down being checked.  I just like information!)

My mood is greatly improved the last 48 hours.  Mostly due to Sunshine and an "ah ha!" moment that these are my last days with JUST B&V.  They deserve our last few weeks of uninterrupted time to be happy!  

Ok, my Raspberry Leaf tea is getting cold, so I'd better go!  until next time...

Happy Sigh.

It's 70+ degrees out today.  My husband wore his fabulous dragon fly tie.  My kiddos let me stroll around Whole Foods and Kroger aimlessly while they sang their hearts out.  I decided to have great hair again and bought some AVEDA shampoo...oh ya, and my baby is perfect.  Perfectly sized, around the perfect amount of fluid, in a perfect position with perfect flow from the umbilical cord. Its a pretty great day. :)

Thats all.

Small or too small

Another Day Another Appointment.  Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks along.  Hooray! I'm getting much bigger, much less patient, have much less motivation for anything non baby and am much less reasonable in my reasoning skills.

Take today for example:  I stewed and stewed my last hour of awake time last evening...Scheming about how the events of today would play out.  I don't have a vehicle on Wednesdays and Fridays, so I am much less "fly by the seat of my pants" than I would care to be.  My "to do" list (which is actually much more accurately described as a "could do" list) involved Target take backs, Walmart hospital essentials, Costco cravings, Kroger grocery shopping and an OB appointment.  oh...and I was going to try to squeeze in a coffee date with a dear friend and might have forgot to include feeding my children (including the one in my tummy).  My window of time was 6.5 hours due to dropping Daddy off at school, and getting home before the ice attacked the roads.  The coffee date was an attempt to be a nice break in the middle.

Well, we dropped Daddy off at school and then took off...The day didn't start off well when we got to Costco at 9:35 and IT DIDNT OPEN UNTIL 10:00AM!  Are you kidding me?!  I had our entire day charted out with arrival times/departure times and now I had a weird 25 minute block of time to work with.  Well, we made do and got to the OB appointment 5 minutes early (which is actually 10 minutes later than they ask...) After the appointment I had only one more needed stop, to the grocery store.  We have lots of potential ice tonight and if Joel goes to work tomorrow, I won't have the car, so it was a must.  I realized we were all ravenously hungry at 12:30 so we had a quick bite to eat in the "chef on the run" department (thats what they call their buffet!) and tried to "quickly" do our shopping.  Pause.  I think it is important to reflect at this time on what events all had taken place since 9:15.  We took daddy to school, went to Costco, went to Target, swung by Walmart, went back to Costco (where we waited FOREVER in line) flew to my doctor appointment (and by that I mean our car went the speed limit while our mind raced on if we would be late), and finally ate at 12:30ish.  That might be a normal day for ya'll but after that, there is no hurrying for this hippo momma.  I couldn't remember where anything was in the grocery store.  I just walked around aimlessly speaking harshly under my breath about why grocery stores only contain chemicals, food coloring, sugar and raw meat.  Needless to say, it wasn't really a "quick" stop.  We finally got home around 2:40, after picking up a husband...who was famished, because I also forgot that he would need lunch.  (thankfully coffee didn't work out for either my friend or I and neither of us had to feel bad about canceling)

All in all it was a good day.  Great strides were taken in getting my "could do" list "done".  Benjamin and Violet were fabulous (their new thing is to be angels when we are out and about and save their less pleasant selves for when we are home...or maybe its just that momma is less patient at home?! hmm. never mind. )

However, whats up with the Title of this post: Small or Too Small. Although my appointment went well, we scheduled another ultrasound next Wednesday.  This baby is really into glamor shots.  I think I had convinced myself that Bear was HUGE.  A couple appointments he was just over average, his movements are so strong, my uterus is such a pansy and none of my shirts fit.  In my head he is a giant!  Well, I guess the last three appointments he has measured small ( 1 - 2 weeks small) so next week we go in to determine if he is small, or too small.  Small is fine, and actually excites my pre-pushing self.  Too small means that we are concerned that he might not be getting all the nutrients he needs which means my Placenta is quitting before the end of the game.  In this case, they would determine if I needed much more frequent stress tests, ultrasounds and possibly scheduled delivery between 37 and 39 weeks.  In the meantime I'll just make sure he stays wiggly, and look forward to Wednesday.

Well, thats enough rambling from this crazy lady.  Pray for Benjamin and Violet as they put up with my craziness.  Pray for Joel as he tries to focus on his mind boggling list of responsibilities the next 4 weeks, for doctors that they accurately access my history and measurements and pray for baby that God gives him growth at a perfect speed and a delivery in His perfect timing!

GoodNight to all!

Violets nightly prayer

Dear Jesus name,
Be with our hearts and thank you for your power.  Thank you for loving us.  Help us keep surviving...just a little while longer. And thank you that your power can keep us breathing.  Thank you that Benjamin is getting healthier and keep baby bear healthier
In Jesus Name
Amen

QUOTES

On the way to the Doctors office:

V - Benj (while riding in the car ), wanna look for Hondas?
B - yeah, thats a great idea.
V - Its really kind of hard to see them when they are moving, so I like to look for them stopped.
B - Well, You know School Busses won't be Hondas so you don't have to use your time looking at them, cause they will never be Hondas, right mom?
V - I think I found the most Hondas.  I don't know what number though.
B - Well Violet, this isn't really a game where you count for a big number and be a winner.  You just say when you find one and it makes you feel great.

:) (there is no possible way for me to have typed that verbal exchange as fantastically as it happened!)

Violet's Prayer/Benjamin's response:

V - Thank you God that you love our hearts, and that you are always with us. And thank you that you love us, and are so powerful in our hearts and are so powerful to give us this supper.  And help Daddy be safe and that he's almost done with school and his focus and help Benjamin to not be sick and for Daddy to get better (Daddy hasn't been sick for a long time but she always includes this!) and be with our hearts. In Jesus name Amen.
B - Wow. And thats how you rock it.

Violet at Benjamin's doctor appointment:

Doctor - Hi Benjamin!  Your mom tells me your throats sore!  Does it hurt to swallow your food?

V - hahaha!  Yeah, he's always sooo hungry but not now because he's sooo sick!

B - Well, I don't really know if I've been hungry or not because my throat gets in the way and makes me confused.

Doctor - Wow Benjamin. You are so tall! You take up the whole table!

V - HAHA! no he doesn't!  Look at all the extra room! He's only sort of tall.

Doctor - (to Benjamin)So you should be able to go to school by Wednesday or Thursday.

V - We don't do that, but we are old enough.

Doctor - Mom, is it ok if we get some stickers/suckers for doing such a great job today?

V - (before a response from mom)Benjamin will have a Spiderman sticker and I think I'll get a Snow White or something.

Random:

V - Benjamin who's your favorite humans? Well actually do you just wanna know who my favorite humans are?

B - I cannot leave this (construction paper telescope) here because the people who live here next might just take it, and its not supposed to be theirs. But actually mom, are you just thinking that it will get ruined before then?

*Thank you to Anna Long and other moms who have inspired me to write down some of those hilarious things that spew from their mouths.  Hoping I never forget these long days and FAST years.

Our week(s) in pictures

Hey all!  I'll try to stay focused as I gather thoughts and construct sentences but I can't look down towards the screen without catching Bears limbs sticking out nearly an inch past my stomachs new form.  I've said it before and I'm guessing I will say it the rest of his life...He's crazy!

As some of you may know I am blessed with the opportunity to grow more appreciation for my husbands general involvement in our life, by getting to experience life without him....kind of for a month.  Law Review is the culprit again (along with end of the year projects, Job applications, Bar Applications, 150 hours this semester at a law firm near the ocean front and a little bit of sleep) and will be officially DONE with EIC duties around the 2nd week of April - about a week after baby Bears due date. He's gone about 14-16 hours a day and as I told him earlier,  in the scheme of all of law school we now know that we can successfully be stressed for just 4 or 5 weeks. :)  I'm so proud of him I could burst, and truly think we are coming out this season of life having matured a ton, we've been wowed by God's care for EVERY aspect of life, fallen more in love with each other and in love with God who has a pretty big plan for the unknown days of our lives. With an absent hubby, a village full of sick families, and a personality that stinks on the phone my word tank is VERY full at the end of a day but so is my love tank.  God has been helping my heart be so full of thanks for and in this seasons of life as well as what is to come.  My patience with my littles may be at an all time low (sorry Benjamin and Violet) but my hope for Grace and excitement to watch it dispersed is at an all time HIGH.


So as I anxiously await my baby and desperately wish I could hold him in my arms instead of my belly, I'm also grateful.  Grateful baby Bear is healthy.  Grateful baby isn't here and that Joel hasn't missed anything besides bathroom trips and more nesting projects (he actually has done quite a bit considering his schedule!) And Grateful I am physically able to be a "normal" 8+ month pregnant lady.  I'm probably more winey now than I was during my first and second trimester, and that is so exciting and so sad - happy that things are so great and sad that my perspective took no time in being nearsighted and forgetful of how far we've come.
*mental note: find a way to remember the wonder and gift of life*

Well, I've already alluded to how scattered my brain is with the mammoth stack of information I want to spew (notice I said that I am dying to share it, and not that it would be interesting to receive!) and as boring as my news is, these pictures help:

Benjamin and Violet can't come out of their rooms until 7:00.  They are AMAZING at playing by themselves until 8:00. However this is a CLEAN version of what their rooms look like before breakfast time.  The only solution I can think of is to hide all their toys (which can't happen because we don't have room) or to be super involved from 7:00-8:00 and help them fill their time with organized activities (which can't happen because I haven't had my coffee until 7:30 and I'm usually quite busy cleaning up from the day before, making breakfast and starting the laundry)  This is probably going to get worse when the babe arrives, isn't it?!

Joel and I wanted to get a memory piece for the baby we lost last February.  Joel surprised me with this perfect custom ring last month and I love it quite a bit!

My first attempt at homemade bread

Here is the finished product...that I might be a little proud of :)

She is so funny. Violet makes us laugh every day, and hopefully she is soaking at least a fraction of her "school" as she distracts us, perplexes us and makes me feel quite bipolar everyday; switching back and forth from feeling so blessed to watch her learn, and pulling my hair out experiencing its challenges!

My advice for new moms: 1) Limit screen time when possible and give yourself Grace when it's not. 2) Don't be afraid of messes, but do your babes a favor and make them help clean it up.  3) Pray earnestly about your decisions so that when you change your mind you see it as new direction from God rather than feeling Guilt or failure. 4) Play Eye Spy. In the grocery store.  In the doctors office.  Waiting for anything... 5) Pray your kids love audio books.

Monkey See.  Monkey Do.  Unfortunately this may have only been the 2nd or 3rd time she had ever seen momma do this...

Benjamin's first spelling test. He had seen the spelling words at sometime in the last year, but we didn't review or memorize.  I just wanted to see where he was at.  We did this three days in a row, and then we began reviewing the words we spelled incorrectly. When we focus our retention is amazing...
When.We.Focus.
As the week went on, our focus dwindled.  Even when he had a good attitude, it was as if he was starting into space.  So Pray for me as I attempt to up my interest factor this week.  Suggestions welcome.  

Violet nesting

Momma nesting

So Much Snow the last 2 weeks!

35 weeks

I thought I remembered him measuring big around 32 weeks.  But at 34 weeks she said he was measuring small and that at 33 weeks he had just been 45th percentile.  So I will ask for some clarification on that all tomorrow. I think that it is possible he has "dropped" and so the measurement isn't completely accurate?!

She's about to start her first season of soccer.  Watch out world.  She's got game.
(she'd rather take pictures than kick)
(she found mommas spa socks and wore them better than I ever have!)

More bread.  Because.

Quiet time: reading and talking on the phone

Our sad face of the day.  He woke up under the weather, and went farther and farther down hill as the day progressed.  He went to bed with a stuffy nose, swollen glands, a 101 temperature, Night time decongestant and Tylenol.  Any advice for tomorrow is appreciated!