Hello, Goodbye, Hurry up & wait

I should really break up this post into a couple different posts, due to the wide spectrum of events floating through my head, but alas...If I didn't ramble, it wouldn't be true to character. :)

I woke up this morning with the excitement of an early baby appointment...and also to a VERY stuffed up Violet.  What was meant to be a family field trip to the doctors office became a solitary apt for Momma.  Daddy stayed home with sniffles (one from a child with a cold, the other from tears of despair from her brother when he found out he couldn't come hear the heart beat). Joel has been to all my appointments which are usually due to an emergency type situation, but this was just a routine heart check and a hope to answer activity/travel clarification questions.

To be honest, I was pretty shaken up at the beginning of the apt.  I walked in with great spirits, independent attitude and assurance of a healthy baby (many baby kicks!) But the doctors first 2 statements were, 

"Hi, how are you today?" [good] 

"No pregnancy concerns or complications? [...]

I believe my medical caretakers are competent, but their success of communicating confidence to me, that they understand my pregnancy and KNOW whats best wasn't high before and plummeted even lower at that moment.

I shared with her that i was kind of concerned about bleeding I had been having the last few days(that was different than the 8 previous weeks), and that I called and it should be on my chart...We talked further and she asked me to stay for an impromptu Ultrasound.  I somewhat expected it, and double checked the time (for my "sitter"/Joel's class schedule) and we walked to the ultrasound techs room.  

My baby was a beautiful model as usual:

are they not the most beautiful legs you've ever seen?!

The long and short of it is again a PERFECTLY healthy baby.  In fact, peanut is measuring in the 97th percentile and was so fun to watch!  However, there was a quite large seemingly new area of fluid/blood.  I mentioned something about how this babe seemed completely oblivious to the mayhem happening around him in its lifetime...vanishing twin, sub amniotic bleed, and now what appeared to be a sub chorionic bleed. The UTech(not our favorite - Lori) heard me say Vanishing twin, and jumped on it.  It was her theory as to why this new area was bleeding.  However, I think that is malarky.  I guess its possible that my body is reacting to disturbances it had before, but it seems quite obvious to me that my body is NOT just now passing red blood from the loss of that embryo 7 or 8 weeks ago.  

When I went back to visit with the OB, these were her thoughts:  It is possible that this is a shift in my past bleeds (things get bigger and move around when the baby/uterus grow) but because of its size and location it seems like a very new area.  The placenta is fully intact and functioning quite well  so it is not an urgent or critical situation.  Happy Sigh.  

But...before I party too hard, its a slightly mysterious area.  How did it get there, why is it so big and we haven't seen it before...And that is why I'm being referred to a specialist.  The OB of the day wants other eyes to take a peek at it.  (and after I shared my very ill feelings toward my early visit with her, I should share that she called me from her car this afternoon to chat with me about my appointment.  I decided to forgive her for not reading my chart better.  :)  

So my current status is on the couch.  No lifting, not much activity other than walking, and over all, no exertion.  Knowing that my baby is healthy makes all of this easier to handle other than my "no travel" instructions.  This is difficult because my second grandparent passed away today, and I would be flying out tomorrow to be with family if I had permission.  But alas, my marching orders will be this way until at least Wednesday when i can get into the specialist.  Its quite sad timing.

So that is a "summary" of my sad Goodbye of the day that I don't get to go home for, my not so patient feelings of waiting until Wednesday to see the specialist, and my fun HELLO LEGS photo :)

Despite all the whining on here, Im really in great spirits.  God has been faithful, and not just in the life of my babe.  I see his Grace in the patience of my kids, a husband whom is running on empty and is getting little to no help from his wife (and yet we still LIKE each other!), great friends and lots of texts and well wishes :)  Hoping for no baby news until Wednesday!

Shout out to Baylee, Real cameras, and Picasa :)

So when I got an iPhone, I (like the rest of the world) stopped taking pictures with my camera...and then when I did use my camera, I had no program on my computer to know how to do anything, or place them anywhere.  Well, today is the day.  I had our camera at the beach, and tonight I did a "brave" thing and downloaded Picasa and herein lie the results.  Happy happy images of Benjamin and Violet along with my new friend Baylee and I. (she is such a gift in friendship and extra hands grocery shopping, doing puzzles, and carrying bags to the beach!...not to mention Benjamin's current favorite frisbee partner)

This post is two fold to share some fun photos and dolphin movies and ask that you pray for my little bean.  

1st) how cute are my children in sand? and how amazing is God for creating these dolphins?  I didn't get film of the one I saw leap out of the water...but today we saw countless dolphins and it was amazing each and every time.  so beautiful.  so cinematic.  I loved it!

2nd) The last week I have just been LIGHLY spotting (YAY!), but the last 4 days, most the day I don't bleed but about once a day, I have a bright "spotting" or "surge".  Todays was larger than the previous days so I gave the OB a call.  Option one was to go into the ER.  I let her know that I have been feeling kicks once a day, and unless she thought it vital I was not interested in EVER having an ER ultrasound again.  (Refer back to my 12 week ER experience...)  She completely understood and said that I should sit until my 8:00 am apt tomorrow, and absolutely no lifting and lots of water.(insert guilty break to fill up water ... that earlier got spilled twice by little people).  So here I sit, at ease because I continue to feel kicks, but following directions until further notice!  

Meanwhile, enjoy Benjamin, Violet and some sub-par photos/movies of some dolphins!

No news is good news/17 weeks

I haven't written in a few days and that means I haven't had anything to say!  ...Which is remarkable :)  The short story is that I'm still spotting, but haven't had any heavy bleeds.  some "not so dark" bleeding in the morning, which I don't like, but not too heavy.  Also, I can't remember the last time I had scary contracting.  I'm not saying that I haven't had ANY in the last 6 days, because I forget details easily, but it hasn't been memorable or frequent :)

The other big news is that baby love is kicking.  Daddy has been gone from mid morning-1 or 2 AM the last 11 or 12 days and after my day with B and V, teenytiny and I have a date on the couch (which is happening right now).  I put the troops to bed, Violet gets up to ask me ridiculous questions once or twice, I wash my face and put my jammies on, and then its time for my date.  I sit, drink a large glass of water, and teenytiny performs gymnastics for me.  Its fantastic.

I don't know if my improved status is just a timely part of this situation.  Bound to take its turn in the events of my mysterious status.  OR...if it has anything to do with my very reduced activity level.  I've ventured out a bit more this week doing an errand here or there, or the pumpkin patch earlier this week.  But I almost always have a friend with me to be my legs or muscles.  As was the opinion of one doctor we met with, it may have NO correlation to my visible symptoms, but because some doctors have expressed wisdom in staying put, many laymen/women/friends/family have seen non-activity as an obvious route, and my husband has shared his preference of that option, I have tried my best to share in the passion for sitting.  At LEAST till 18 weeks, and at hopeful maximum untill 24 weeks.  The two biggest reasons being that 1) Joel has had no mental space for wife and baby concerns...nor time to address them, and that 2) should another bleed happen or loss of this baby, or anything in between, I needed piece of mind that I wasn't throwing caution to the wind.

Being helped has not come easy and not even been made possible by my own effort.  I have watched as the Body of Christ has come into full force. A few things I have asked for, but most have just been gifted by others listening to the Spirits nudges...Those praying from afar, putting up with my text marathons when I'm feeling anxious, a community of friends who think of me when they are out and about, a dear sister in Christ who felt God tugging at her hear to FLY across the country for two friends...her bestie who had a baby 3 months ago, and me a friend/church family/law wife friend and blogger.  God has not only blessed me with friends who help me change sheets (which I can now do myself!), mop floors, clean showers and move furniture, but meals!  During the weeks that I was contracting so much, a friend put a shout out to our women's ministry at church and I was flooded with a few hot meals and a freezer full of easy dining.  I tried to down play my need, I tried to lessen the quantity of help, but God knew what I needed even when I didn't.

Humility has been hard.  I knew I kind of had pride issues, but I didn't realize their depth.  However coming from a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" community made needing help quite embarrassing.  First of all, I kind of keep a semi clean house...but my deep cleaning, and closet organization are minimal at best.  You never have a desire to clean, like when you CANT and people are rooting through your medicine cabinet for bandaids for your 3 yr old.  Also humbling are these last two weeks when my needs have become VERY gray.  I can pour my kids glasses of milk everyday, so why not carry the milk from the car to the house.  I can stand in the shower for 10 minutes, but not walk through the corn maze.  ETC ETC ETC.  The reality is I haven't had answers for those questions, and I may or may not be the only one asking those questions, but I have had to hand my confusion over to Jesus and ask him to give me peace about every decision - the decisions to do things, and the decisions to ask for/allow help.  I stop doing when I start to feel cramping (like a period), I stop after even a couple of contractions and I have started saying yes to help in prep for those things.  I don't believe this will be my reality for much longer, but for now God is showing me that not only am I spiritual sunk without him, but I am physically and emotionally inept without the Body.  Not cooking after a day of questioning if I should have gone in for an ultrasound, taking care of B and V, and not having Joel at home has meant emotional victory!  Not having to clean the kitchen for 20 minutes when I can feel myself starting to have a bleed has meant indescribable peace that I'm doing all that I can to be smart, and can SIT and let God take care of my baby.

So thats that.  I'll be 17 weeks tomorrow and am so excited for next week when we get to hear a little heart beat again (we may even take Benjamin and Violet!), and also check in with the doctor.

The last bit of this happy post is that Joel is in bed and was asleep before 9:00 tonight.  He came home around 3:30 today and I think doesn't have to go back in until 5:30 tomorrow night (just for a few hours).  Then I think (the law school experience teaches you to start every plan with "I think") we get to ALL attend soccer games, Fall Festival in the Village and a Soccer party on Saturday.  Joy to the World. :) Finals prep starts soon, so we are going to soak in every ounce of time we get this weekend!

Thanks for all your prayers, emails, texts and love.  I am taking notes on how active ya'lls love is, and praying God shows me how to react the same with to those he places in this walk through life.

For now, I'm off to drink some more water and get this baby to wiggle!

Baby book updates

As I frequently write the original purpose of this blog was because I am horrible at keeping up with a baby book.  No, It doesn't make sense that I will type things on here, but not take the time record them in a much cuter methodical book...but it is what it is.  On to the current facts...

I am 16 weeks pregnant. I don't know how I feel about that number.  it seems pretty early still.  16 is a small number.  Yet, its close to 20, and 20 weeks is right by Christmas.  And Christmas break is when I plan to get all our pre-packing done for the big move. and after Christmas break, its the middle of January, and then V-day...and then baby.  Thank goodness for March, because March has ALWAYS seemed like the longest month of the year.  its yucky outside.  I'm usually depressed with post holiday/weather blues.  and March is my lost hurrah to pack/clean or whatever else floats my boat before baby.  So I guess after typing all that it still seems like a long ways...

I cannot tell you how I am feeling because I don't know.  I'm not horribly nauseous.  However this morning I went about 13 hours without eating, and didn't feel well.  overall this has been a very easy pregnancy on my tummy - compared to others.  I don't have cramping everyday, but I did for an hour or two today.  I dislike cramping for so many reasons - fear of the baby, discomfort and what it does to my mood.  It makes me very short with Benjamin and Violet and is largely to blame for their attitudes as of late.  My follow through for instructions is very poor, and they have figured it out...So then when i start to feel better, I am frustrated and tired and tend to get quite upset at continued disobedience.  I ask for prayer for Grace that I don't ruin them.

I am still bleeding.  I think (this opinion is quite weak, as my memory is poor and I tend to make proclamations after just a small pattern of events) that I have noticed brighter one time bleeding in the morning, and then legitimate spotting the rest of the day.  possibly the last 3 days?!  I am noticing I am edgy all morning and so close to going in for an ultrasound to check lil peanut out, and then I take long enough to decide what to do, that I start to notice ive all but stopped bleeding...and then it starts over the next day.  we are now going on 7 weeks of bleeding.  Because the bleeding and cramping have slowed down so much, I am back to many activities.  For Joel's peace of mind, I usually take a friend to run errands, but other than heavy lifting I am back to day to day tasks.  I take more rests than before, but I'm just trying to "listen to my baby", about how much to do.  two more weeks till my doctor apt seems like an eternity!

I feel like I'm showing quite a bit for 16 weeks, and really popped after 13. I have gained a few pounds but am not sure how much technically speaking.  I weighed myself every morning this week, because I was confused by my once a week numbers.  its between 3.5 and 6.  Yesterday was 3ish, and today was a 6.  The numbers go up and down quite frequently! I look like I've gained triple that, but I'm not really getting worked up about it.  Its actually my favorite part about pregnancy.  I find weight interesting to record, but I don't really care about the # in the end.  even my 30lb? weight difference Between V and B was largely due to different cravings.  Watermelon tends to have a different effect than potato cheese and bacon EVERYTHING! :)  This baby is an apple, cheese and cracker baby.  Daily, Violet and I consume 3-4 apples and equivalent amnts of cheese and crackers.  LOVE it.

Violet is coming up with baby names every day.  Usually they are made up words, but others include: Flower baby, Sunshine, June, and baby Violet.

Also, I'm feeling baby kicks.  I claimed to feel flutters around 13 weeks, which I knew was CRAZY early, and unlikely that they were true kicks, but I cannot disclaim the fact that I was feeling something.  and the past 3 days, I would swear by it.  especially at the end of the day when I sit.  Like right now :)

Well thats all for now.  its a good think i sit a drink a lot of a water, because I usually nod off at sometime in my posts, and awaken to an urge to pee :) and with that note...goodnight!

Videos for family

Until yesterday, try as we might, we could only get to the number 15!  we've overcome a mighty hurdle ladies and gentlemen!  Most of Violets "School" is just absorbing what I'm doing with Benjamin, but this has been one activity that we do every morning with JUST her.  She doesn't like expectations, but rather enjoys surprising me with her knowledge, so mastering something we focused on is a BIG accomplishment!

Videos for Family

This is my favorite verse to hear Violet say.  There is just something adorable about not being able to say or r's and l's.  Most times I'm immune to her slight speech slip ups, but listening to her say "glory of God" melts my heart every time!

Videos for family!

Our mornings of school aways look different.  Some consist of mostly Spell to Write and Read Curriculum.  When our attitudes aren't that great, we've whipped out some water colors and they have "directional painting" (Write all your letters in paint...Write all your #'s...Only draw shapes...).  Most days have a bible verse, and Benjamin reads us a book.  He's filling up his chart so he can go buy any book he wants (one book read = one sticker.  20 stickers = a book!)  I can only seem to post one video per post, so here are a couple posts of our morning. :)

studious boys

Daddy had a pretty easy first two months of school...Ok, maybe not easy, but momma liked his schedule better than the previous 4 semesters!  However, his temporary home is his law review office, and after another week of editing, we will most likely share him with the beginning stages of finals prep. So we are making do here at home...LOTS of puzzles, lots of pretend play ("okay, you pretend...and then you pretend that...oh wait you pretend this and that, and then I'll pretend we don't...) for hours on end, and some school in great variety.  Benjamin has been rocking at some entry level reading (HOP books, which are similar to BOB books).  Here's some photos to prove Daddy isn't the only one dominating literature...

October Baby

I've wanted to write this post for a long time.  The problem has been that I didn't know what I wanted it to say.  As I do the pregnancy math of my miscarriage last Winter, I think that if I had carried that baby full term, I would have a less than 1 week old baby in my arms today.  This is a thought that would have brought me to tears anytime in the last 9 months.  Honestly if I were to say those words out loud, they would probably bring me to tears right now.  

But my third baby is not in my arms today.  She (or He) is in Jesus arms.  That alone should be tremendously comforting, but it really just makes me jealous. 

Our baby would have been born at a horribly difficult time, and possibly the hardest couple weeks of Joel's entire schooling thus far.  Some might comfort me with those words-that God knew it would be such bad timing, and I would secretly want to punch those people in the face.  

Others might console that its a blessing because family is so far away, or that the baby would have had an insurmountable defect, or encouragement because I already have two healthy amazing children.  All of those things I may have said to someone sometime...but they are horrible reasoning and terrible comfort.  

However the reason that I am not weeping write now while typing (which is actually quite unusual) is because God is teaching me today about his Sovereign Plan.  He has one and it's perfect.  If I had delivered baby #3, I would not have gotten pregnant with baby #4 (which might have been #4 and #5).  And that alone is kind of twisted EXCEPT that it shows me how sovereign God is.  You see although I do not get to parent all of my children for earthly lifetimes, I am just unknown moments from heaven - where we will be for eternity.  And I am believing in faith that right now, that that means there we be 5 Lewicki offspring worshiping God when we all get to heaven.  I may only get to parent 3 of those babies on earth, but I wouldn't change a thing if it meant taking that joy and eternal life away from baby #3.  You see, God could see the full picture when I had tunnel vision.  I still hate loss.  I hate others loss.  I wish I could prevent loss. I wish loss wasn't part of life.  But I am fully confident that He is piecing together every detail of my life and my children's life according to his GOOD and PERFECT will.  

I could not have written this post last week.  I would not have proclaimed the same truths then, but I am rejoicing and now happily weeping (its quite an ugly cry, actually) that I will see my family complete someday, and that in spite of trials we have the opportunity to give Him glory and proclaim His greatness until then.  (And even if we hadn't gotten pregnant before our #3 due date, God was still knitting together my life, and my children's life for our good, and for His glory. )

I hope if you or someone you know has experienced this emotional jolt of loss or trials of any kind, that you are on your way to a place where you can say AMEN. Maybe/hopefully you were way ahead of me in getting there :)   

Expecting with Hope

This is an excerpt from a book that my dear friend sent me.  She is friends with the author, and actually a featured story in the book.  I have been truly blessed by my reading thus far, and as I shed some tears of jealousy because another dear friend gets to take my beautiful babies to a gorgeous day at a fall festival while I rest, I picked up Expecting with Hope.  It is a book written to those who are pregnant after a loss.

I have read most pages curiously, waiting to find a nugget that I can take with me, and I have indeed found many of those nuggets.  What I didn't realize was that I was really searching for the answer the question most of us ask at sometime or another.  I still cannot verbalize the question, but I knew this paragraph was a comforting answer to me, and essential to my belief in the One I claim to put my trust.  Here are Teske Drakes words:

"...We have a God who lavishes His love upon us and who protects us in ways we can't begin to understand.  Sometimes, such love and protection may appear to be nothing more than absence, silence, or heartbreaking loss. In all actuality, every painstaking experience and every unanswered prayer are merely tiny pieces of a grander puzzle that He is piecing together in accord with His loving, merciful, sovereign plan for our lives..."

I cannot read that without crying.  Partly because I'm a little high on hormones right now, but mostly because I want so badly to bran that knowledge on my heart.  That HE LOVES ME. PERFECTLY. That unlike EVERYTHING I do for Benjamin and Violet... To give them the best shot at life.  To give them joy.  To help them be responsible people.  To protect them from harm.  To guide them and train them.  ALL of my efforts are just that.  Efforts.  But my Heavenly Father does EVERYTHING, allows everything, choreographs everything...to piece together his perfect plan for me.  And in that I must believe, or at my core I am unsure that I can truly believe.

And writing that down, was a big enough deal, that I've let my apple cider get cold, and my uterus feels yucky enough to not go and re-heat it.  Thats called sacrifice ladies (or gents, I guess?).  And thank you for letting God use you Mrs. Drake.  And Jessica.  And Paige for loving my littles.  :)

Fireside Chat...without the fire

Hi. I should really write in the mornings because I am not the most emotionally stable individual past 8:00. 

I am actually driving myself batty with my emotional instability.  The amount of mental, physical and literary flip flopping that I do on what is best for this season of pregnancy is nauseating. Tonight I'm ready to be committed just so others can make my decisions for me and I am no longer accountable/responsible for my actions.  

So I have spent the last 4 days proclaiming Victory over this trial in my pregnancy.  I have been just words/phone calls/steps away from calling off all help, playing soccer with Benjamin or helping a neighbor organize/rearrange their life.  The ONLY thing that stopped me was that I promised Joel I wouldn't until the end of next week. No, I have never really stopped bleeding, but I had stopped contracting/halting because of abdominal pain, and combing that with 2nd trimester energy has been a GUST of fresh air.  Its not that I just feel better, but I forgot people normally felt like this.  So in my reasoning, I was back in full force...

Back to the bleeding.  I had been doing well, at laying low, and therefore had stopped correlating activity with quantity.  I just knew that when I stopped being active, the bleeding didn't go away.  So when I felt all kinds of amazing, I started going on chaperoned shopping trips, carrying the laundry, picking up the kids toys, swinging with Violet, picking her up, ect ect ect...  Well, my bleeding picked up tonight, not dangerous but noticeable, and with that has come light period like cramps... nothing scary. and nothing compared to before, but unsettling.  The question is, if there is just a pocket of blood that has to escape, than why not just be active and get it gone.  This seems to be the view of some doctors.  But the other view which seems to be prevalent with past doctors and others is that any bleeding, especially bleeding that spans the first AND second trimester increases risk of spontaneous pre-term labor.  I really have none of the characteristics of being high risk for preterm labor, except that i'm still bleeding in week 15. no infection and no cervix insufficiency(dilation). no placenta previa or abruption.  However, another self-induced factor is that they are only making educated(very educated) assumptions and have told me few "for sures".  It is hard to be confident in a plan of action, when you aren't clear on the situation. Lastly, every time I feel something that I know isn't a pregnancy norm, or bleed or clot more than "normal" all my reasoning goes out the window.  

So back to my solution of being committed.  I really need someone talking me through most cramps and bathroom trips to help me to not feel guilt and helping my desire to eliminate them...OR...I need someone holding me down on the couch, most of the day.  Because trying to play both cards, is NOT working for me.  My plan may be to go back to laying low.  At least this weekend.  I have some help throughout this next week, and I hope my pride dies and care for this baby triumphs.  Then I will re-evaluated and maybe call my OB.  I haven't talked to them in a week or two( they must be missing me) and it might be helpful to just a refresher on true facts, opinions and false fears.  

I also need to spend more time in the Word.  I'm drowning in google searches and my mind is ever racing with remembering and concluding this and that, but not a lot of time focusing on the little truth that I in fact CAN claim.

And that is what my unstable self is feeling tonight!

the little things are important too :)

With all the craziness of the first trimester of this much anticipated baby, I have neglected to record anything similar to things I wrote down for Benjamin and Violet.  I guess they seemed "non-issues" as I've been pre-occupied with if we can find a heart beat, bleeding source, pre-term labor fears...ect...

Well, I feel hopeful, happy and nostalgic tonight so lets get some history in writing :)  Here's how things have been going:

• I never threw up.  Not even close.  Not even the feeling of, "I want to feel better and throwing up might help, but i'll try not to..."  Smells make me sneeze, and there were about 4 weeks that I would just walk away from them, but never toilet worthy.  I think about a half a dozen times I gave Joel a very concerning look from an oder.  And my stomach didn't like it, but it wasn't "dangerous" :) score.
• I was dead.tired. week 3-14, and then its like a switch turned off and I want to live again.  I am tired, don't get me wrong, but its "I had a big day" tired, (even while sitting on the couch growing a baby can be hard work!) and not, I don't care if I die tired...This is very good for my children because my "trigger" times were 1:00pmish and 7:00 pmish and if anyone tried to talk to me around those times, it was a regrettable experience!  But then *poof*, I got better :)
• I "popped" this last week or two (13-15)  who knows if it was natural baby growing or a result of yummy delivered meals and no walking allowed...but the baby has visibly arrived!  My wardrobe also greatly expanded when My friend brought a bag of maternity clothes over...jackpot!  I have now worn real pants, all day.  I am no longer confined to leggings, and Thank goodness, because things were not getting pretty.  my shirts weren't quite long enough to cover my booty, and things just needed a little help!
• I'm still bleeding.  its not scary, but its unsettling and ever present.:/
• Violet is obsessed with all things baby.  for part of everyday she has a toy/baby/stuffed animal up her shirt, and she is fascinated by the idea that babies get milk from their mommas.  I have explained this process to her, and I have caught her duplicating the act of nursing many times.  She is intrigued to say the least :)
• Benjamin will say he just wants a boy or girl/ healthy baby...but when I tell him that I have a guess that its a boy (my lack of sickness) he gets a tiny bit sad, and says something about really wanting another sister.  I am trying to present that maybe he likes the idea of a sister because he has so much fun with violet, but maybe he doesn't know how much fun a brother would be!  Then he reminds me that really only God knows, and I concede that he is absolutely right.  My Gut is VERY unreliable and only God knows the answer to our mystery! 

To go against point 2, I have written a great deal of this post with my eyes close, and then stopped typing because of a momentary lapse into a state of sleep, so I should probably be done for now.  So fun to feel well, and fun finding all the blessings that God is making known while our little one grows!

a.ma.zing.

Amazing. Thats how I feel today!  If I had no memory of prior events and woke up from a coma or something, I would not believe me Saturday and Sunday...or the 2-4 weeks before vs me today.  I feel like I think I remember feeling with Benjamin. (Just not quite as big...I wasted no time getting that baby insulated!)

I woke up, and felt great.  I did quite a bit the first hour(which is most every morning) and by then I'm usually WIPED, cramping, bleeding and contracting, but this morning, I still felt great.  I sat for an hour of school, and then after starting some laundry "Ventured out" for a walk to some neighbors houses to drop off a couple things - still feeling well!  I came back and washed some dishes that had been neglected, got lunch together (which I made the mistake of letting us all eat different things...so so foolish), and was thankful to sit down and eat, but it was just a I'm pregnant and tired feeling, not a discomforting pain, or consciously bleeding state. I cant remember after lunch well, but I think I picked up a bit, and folding laundry on the bed.  still doing well.  And so on and so forth for the rest of the day.  I went to soccer practice with Benjamin, gave the kids showers, took out the trash...and still felt normal.  I will say I confess to "slightly" over doing it, made apparent that this morning/afternoon I was "spotting like a normal person", and tonight its reacting to activity...but its still less bleeding than the last 3-5 weeks(I'm losing track of time!).

So I might go to the grocery store tomorrow.  I'll ask the employers to load the bags, and a friend to help me unload, and we'll see how that goes.  I have some help lined up every couple days for the next two weeks, and I am going to still appreciate that while I figure out what is best for me and baby, but I'm elated that I feel...happy.  Even if its just for today, I'm thankful for a break in my weariness!

Wordy

Joel's gone, and I'm feeling a high volume of un-used words combined with some extreme emotions.  You've been warned and I am no longer responsible for how many of those words you read. :)

Well, I'm still bleeding. (surprise) And, I'm in less pain because I'm doing much less activity. (however it still starts when i am up and around for long) I start the day with a busy hour, then its school at the table, play time for the kids and about two hours of rest and reading for me.  I do minimal activity for lunch but maybe get up and around for 20 minutes.  Then quite time and if I'm honest, I take a nap or waste time for an hour or more.  The rest of the day is filled with post quiet time cuddles, visits from neighbors, sitting at the park or who knows what!  All that to say, I'm not doing too terrible at doing little :)  (yes, i'm patting on myself on the back right now)

Thats my physical status and activity level, but my brain has been nuts tonight.  I got really curious about my twins, and knowing if they were identical and when we lost...  I (typically) forgot to ask these questions at any of my last Ultra sounds, but I am quite sure that the babies were identical twins.  I think we had 1 gestational sac and 2 embryos inside...Identical Twins

Well I remembered hearing an EARLY heartbeat at 6 weeks, and after processing with a dear friend, i felt assured that they didn't miss a heartbeat (which would have NOT made a difference in the pregnancies viability), but that it happened VERY early.  This made me feel peaceful.  Almost comforting that I hadn't missed out on "getting to know" the babe through the few weeks of pregnancy I might have had.  Well, Let me clarify, I still feel like I missed out, but not because of anything that could have gone any differently.  (my concern came because there were two obvious masses on the first US and we were told one was the yolk sac).  

Well, I'm less frantic about this babe than I was 3 hours ago.  There is comfort in "knowing" about your body, and your baby.  Even one whom you will never meet.  Many things will remain a mystery.  How long I will continue to "do little", how long I will bleed, and lets not forget the obvious, how in the world it will be going from Zone to Man to Man.  But as Violet reminded me tonight, "the Lord is with you, wherever you go!", and I will add to that, that he is with me, he paved the way for me to go down the path, and he has great plans for my relationship with him, and his name being proclaimed along the way.  I should probably stop praying for ruby slippers, and just get a ride with him!

Quick recap

Yesterday and Today, Friday and Saturday, were quite amazing.  Joel and the great Law Review team were putting on a symposium this weekend, so it had potential to be terrible.  But some fairies came my way, and the two days went by quite swiftly.

I woke up in a poor mood Friday, but had three visits from good friends, one who spent the afternoon and joined us for dinner from a dear member of my church.  Time went quickly, and the kids were helpful all day.  I felt very crampy/sore all afternoon and evening, and bled heavier than I like, but it was still good (Isn't it disturbing that I have a level of those things that I AM comfortable with?!)

Saturday came and a fellow law wife that I have met once or twice offered to stop by in the morning and just do life with us for the day.  At first I felt weird about it, and didn't want her to waste her whole day if I didn't actually need her the whole day. I tried to give her easy ways out, but she assured me she was really free and didn't let me talk her out of coming.  I now can't believe I even tried.  It was like a little fairy came and sprinkled fairy dust over our whole home.  She helped with the kids at B's soccer game, she cleaned up lunch (which was provided from another fairy friend), she helped me wash my sheets and put away the mountain of clothes in the bed room.  She cleaned my shower, and vacuumed my floor...and thats just scratching the surface!  Most of all she was such encouragement and amazing conversation  as the day went on.  Having just been through a very life altering event herself, there was camaraderie in the highs and lows we face and views of God in them both.  We were able to share really raw un polished feelings and it was medicine for the soul.  She is more than welcome back even if she doesn't scrub anything next time :)

Well, I just wrote the last three sentances with my eyes closed because i'm so very tired, so I just probably stop.  Good night all!

Ultrasound #5...or was it #6?

Baby #3 Update:

After our scary bleed last week, and worrisome contractions this weekend, today was our follow up ultrasound appointment and scheduled mtg with a Physicians Assistant. 

Besides our 8 week appointment (which was a routine Ultrasound) our 6 week, 10 week, 12.5 week and 13.5 week appointments have all been hoping for the best and trying not to expect the worst. (all with a necessary ultrasound) Although I have had some anxiety about each appointment, I was most uneasy about this one.  This weekend, I finally sat down and tried to understand all the details that the 5 different physicians and 2 different Ultrasound Techs were conveying.  And 2 things bothered me terribly.  #1) what I was feeling in my abdomen was contracting, and when I had Sub-chorionic bleeding with Violet my doctor (whom I adored) was nervous about preterm labor until my 24 week appointment.  #2) the term Sub Chorionic Hemorrhaging.  I did my research on line (which is always dangerous, I know), and the area of bleeding was not Sub-chorionic.  What we saw in the ultrasound wasn't congruent with the defn of that type of bleed, and I couldn't get over the idea that I was "mis-diagnosed"

Well today FINALLY came, and our morning was once again sent into a whirlwind when they called around 9 to ask us to reschedule from 2:30 to 10:45. (My amazing husband and this Babys loving Daddy hasn't missed an appointment and we are praying for Grace upon Grace for the "couple" of classes he's missed!)  So we scurried to find a sitter, and took off.  

It was a DIVINE appointment.  I was so uneasy about this appointment because we were headed back to yet a different ultrasound tech, and then were to follow up with a Physicians Assistant.  I only really like the UT at the location thats farthest from us, and I HATED my one appointment with a physicians assistant.  I was getting someone I didn't now for both appointments.  I felt like the PA was reading from a script, knew nothing about me or my baby and I couldn't understand what she was telling me.  That would have been fine with my pregnancy with Benjamin.  There weren't any questions to ask besides "how fast is the heart beat?", but this time, I kinda want to know whats going on.  So, I kinda think God broke the ultrasound equipment to move us from our original appointment to the farther location earlier, with the ultrasound tech I love, and a real OB doctor.  Sigh.  So thankful.

I laid down on the chair and she found a wiggly baby right away.  Relief.  She also saw that I wasn't dilated in the least.  Even deeper sigh of Relief.  She found 4 amazingly functioning heart chambers, and perfect organs everywhere :)  So then it was question time...

I explained to her my confusion and we fired questions and she answered them all with incredible insight, clear communication and sensitive Love for little lives.  

She explained that the term Sub-Chorionic Bleeding is an over used term, and that I was right this was technically Sub Amniotic Bleeding.  That may not seem like a big deal, but I cannot explain the amount of peace I had knowing I wasn't crazy and there was something wrong with the diagnosis.  There may somewhere be a blot clot providing extra bleeding but she believes whole heartedly that my bleed is a result of the loss of my pregnancy's twin.  I have miscarried, and because I am still pregnant my body is not rejecting the baby.  If this had been a miscarriage of a single pregnancy they would have done a D&C if I hadn't passed the baby, but obviously can't because of my healthy pregnancy.  It would be dangerous if I wasn't still pregnant, but because my body is still registering pregnant it will not fight this unborn baby, and not harm me.  I will most likely continue to bleed for a while, but baby #1 is not affected at all.  The bleed is under the baby which is good.  Also, The placenta is right where they want it.  They were concerned (which I didn't know) before because they couldn't tell where it was, but are now at ease.  Lastly, my fear about my cramping and contracting was a real feeling, and not likely concern.  She explained it as uterine trauma.  My Uterus, a muscle, has been through a lot.  Between the miscarriage and the current pregnancy, the possible blood clot and who knows what else - its tired, its sore, and its acting like your leg when you get a charlie horse.  It does not seem to be labor inducing (not dilated) just alarming.  We walked out of that room having seen the cutest ultrasound pictures I have ever seen, and with more understanding of this pregnancy than I even thought possible!

So what now?!  Well, I am definitely feeling much better than yesterday.  However we will still be VERY glad to get to 24 weeks.  I am not on bed rest in the technical sense, but I am still limiting activity.  I am working on accepting help, especially during this crazy period when Joel is gone so much.  I am escaping the mental hold that the couch had on me ( I can get up and around without guilt) but I am aware of the fact that trauma on the fetus/uterus does provoke preterm labor.  I am no longer scared of it, but I am aware, and trying to error on the side of doing less.  I am thankful for some meals from my church while Joel is gone for two weeks, and maybe even some freezer meals to tide us over till our 24 week mile marker.  Im not going to be rearranging the furniture, or changing the sheets by myself right now.  I want to, but its just not worth the unknown cost.

I am so grateful for what God is teaching me about my pride-full tendencies, and His perfect character - in the highs and lows.  What a ride this has been, and I'm sure will continue to be.

Heres that cute little nose that makes me want to learn how to accept help and little lips that I cant get enough of.

Why I Write...

I'm a verbal processor, and thats tricky.  Over time I've learned how vulnerable it makes you to start declaring ideas or emotions before they are proven or declared the "correct emotion".  However keeping things inside, for a verbal processor means that much doesn't get processed, and having not traveled to the correct emotional/spiritual/physical place you may even appear more foolish in the end than if you had just talked your way through it.  So what does that have to do with life right now?

Well, whether its a good idea or not, it is making me oh so thankful for creations like blogging.  Because the reality is that you all have crazy busy lives.  Sometimes I don't think the amount of people I want to communicate with are the same amount of people who care to hear the whole story and also, I am terrible at communicating on the phone!  I talk at the same time as the other person, the lack of eye contact make my mind wander and not follow conversation well, and its just not effective for me!  So blogging helps me share with those who want to read, and not bore all others. It also gives me boldness to share whole thoughts and write again 48 hours later that I've changed my mind, or feeling, or found reality.  Its like a journal with living pages.  Its not everyones cup of tea, but then again neither is a "relaxing" day at the mall, or a silent fishing trip or all the million things that make us different!  So thanks to those who sometimes read my ramblings, and validate my ever changing emotions, and I'm more than ok with those who don't.  I too like writing better than reading :)