Hi. I should really write in the mornings because I am not the most emotionally stable individual past 8:00.
I am actually driving myself batty with my emotional instability. The amount of mental, physical and literary flip flopping that I do on what is best for this season of pregnancy is nauseating. Tonight I'm ready to be committed just so others can make my decisions for me and I am no longer accountable/responsible for my actions.
So I have spent the last 4 days proclaiming Victory over this trial in my pregnancy. I have been just words/phone calls/steps away from calling off all help, playing soccer with Benjamin or helping a neighbor organize/rearrange their life. The ONLY thing that stopped me was that I promised Joel I wouldn't until the end of next week. No, I have never really stopped bleeding, but I had stopped contracting/halting because of abdominal pain, and combing that with 2nd trimester energy has been a GUST of fresh air. Its not that I just feel better, but I forgot people normally felt like this. So in my reasoning, I was back in full force...
Back to the bleeding. I had been doing well, at laying low, and therefore had stopped correlating activity with quantity. I just knew that when I stopped being active, the bleeding didn't go away. So when I felt all kinds of amazing, I started going on chaperoned shopping trips, carrying the laundry, picking up the kids toys, swinging with Violet, picking her up, ect ect ect... Well, my bleeding picked up tonight, not dangerous but noticeable, and with that has come light period like cramps... nothing scary. and nothing compared to before, but unsettling. The question is, if there is just a pocket of blood that has to escape, than why not just be active and get it gone. This seems to be the view of some doctors. But the other view which seems to be prevalent with past doctors and others is that any bleeding, especially bleeding that spans the first AND second trimester increases risk of spontaneous pre-term labor. I really have none of the characteristics of being high risk for preterm labor, except that i'm still bleeding in week 15. no infection and no cervix insufficiency(dilation). no placenta previa or abruption. However, another self-induced factor is that they are only making educated(very educated) assumptions and have told me few "for sures". It is hard to be confident in a plan of action, when you aren't clear on the situation. Lastly, every time I feel something that I know isn't a pregnancy norm, or bleed or clot more than "normal" all my reasoning goes out the window.
So back to my solution of being committed. I really need someone talking me through most cramps and bathroom trips to help me to not feel guilt and helping my desire to eliminate them...OR...I need someone holding me down on the couch, most of the day. Because trying to play both cards, is NOT working for me. My plan may be to go back to laying low. At least this weekend. I have some help throughout this next week, and I hope my pride dies and care for this baby triumphs. Then I will re-evaluated and maybe call my OB. I haven't talked to them in a week or two( they must be missing me) and it might be helpful to just a refresher on true facts, opinions and false fears.
I also need to spend more time in the Word. I'm drowning in google searches and my mind is ever racing with remembering and concluding this and that, but not a lot of time focusing on the little truth that I in fact CAN claim.
And that is what my unstable self is feeling tonight!
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