October Baby

I've wanted to write this post for a long time.  The problem has been that I didn't know what I wanted it to say.  As I do the pregnancy math of my miscarriage last Winter, I think that if I had carried that baby full term, I would have a less than 1 week old baby in my arms today.  This is a thought that would have brought me to tears anytime in the last 9 months.  Honestly if I were to say those words out loud, they would probably bring me to tears right now.  

But my third baby is not in my arms today.  She (or He) is in Jesus arms.  That alone should be tremendously comforting, but it really just makes me jealous. 

Our baby would have been born at a horribly difficult time, and possibly the hardest couple weeks of Joel's entire schooling thus far.  Some might comfort me with those words-that God knew it would be such bad timing, and I would secretly want to punch those people in the face.  

Others might console that its a blessing because family is so far away, or that the baby would have had an insurmountable defect, or encouragement because I already have two healthy amazing children.  All of those things I may have said to someone sometime...but they are horrible reasoning and terrible comfort.  

However the reason that I am not weeping write now while typing (which is actually quite unusual) is because God is teaching me today about his Sovereign Plan.  He has one and it's perfect.  If I had delivered baby #3, I would not have gotten pregnant with baby #4 (which might have been #4 and #5).  And that alone is kind of twisted EXCEPT that it shows me how sovereign God is.  You see although I do not get to parent all of my children for earthly lifetimes, I am just unknown moments from heaven - where we will be for eternity.  And I am believing in faith that right now, that that means there we be 5 Lewicki offspring worshiping God when we all get to heaven.  I may only get to parent 3 of those babies on earth, but I wouldn't change a thing if it meant taking that joy and eternal life away from baby #3.  You see, God could see the full picture when I had tunnel vision.  I still hate loss.  I hate others loss.  I wish I could prevent loss. I wish loss wasn't part of life.  But I am fully confident that He is piecing together every detail of my life and my children's life according to his GOOD and PERFECT will.  

I could not have written this post last week.  I would not have proclaimed the same truths then, but I am rejoicing and now happily weeping (its quite an ugly cry, actually) that I will see my family complete someday, and that in spite of trials we have the opportunity to give Him glory and proclaim His greatness until then.  (And even if we hadn't gotten pregnant before our #3 due date, God was still knitting together my life, and my children's life for our good, and for His glory. )

I hope if you or someone you know has experienced this emotional jolt of loss or trials of any kind, that you are on your way to a place where you can say AMEN. Maybe/hopefully you were way ahead of me in getting there :)